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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Thursday, 19 April

16:00

Police to introduce controversial Stop and Deport "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an effort to curb black British citizens committing paperwork crime, police have been given controversial stop and deport powers to use on anyone that looks like theyre not directly descended from King Arthur.

Were not targeting any one community in particular. said one police boss, Well apart from the black one of course. If we suspect someone is walking our streets without their passport, birth certificate and thirty years of detailed tax records, then they will be stopped. Unless theyre white, and then they wont be stopped. Well, they could be. he warned, but they wont be, he reassured.

We dont want to alarm certain communities, but this lack of paperwork has got to stop. We cant have feral packs of law-abiding, hard-working adults roaming the streets, trying to get healthcare and such things without giving the Home Office 400 pages of paperwork and 1500 quid, said the Chief Constable.

Amber Rudd said that only Britons that her department decided were actually Britons would be allowed to stay in Britain. Basically anyone that doesnt regularly wear Union Jack undies, doesnt love massive queues, and cant recite at least 20 lines of dialogue from Zulu is in big danger.

As well as the Windrush Britons, all people of foreign background are now under suspicion, with a Home Office van seen leading an elderly couple away from a central London palace for questioning about their right to be here.

15:43

The all-time greatest visit to a McDonalds ever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

No matter how many times youve been (and were aware the answer to that might be never) youve never had a visit to McDonalds quite like this one.

Supersized just doesnt do this 10-part story justice.

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The post The all-time greatest visit to a McDonalds ever appeared first on The Poke.

15:30

Clean Bedroom Excited to Meet Potential Sexual Partner "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BOISE, Idaho The freshly cleaned bedroom of local woman Megan OLeary is anxiously excited to meet OLearys potential sexual partner later this evening, sources close to the home confirmed.

I know romance is on the horizon whenever Megan cleans the piles of Celeste pizza cardboard leftover from countless nights of watching Netflix alone, reported the bedroom, which prefers to be called the Sizzle Suite. She must be really optimistic she cleaned the sheets for the first time since she bought them two years ago.

The bedroom admitted to a new-found sense of pride since the overhaul.

I mean, I am where the magic happens, after all, said the bedroom, shining in the sunlight. This place just has a different feel to it when its vacuumed you can go barefoot without worrying about all the gunk thatll stick to you. Shes even busted out a candle to cover up some of the smells.

However, the bedroom admitted its worry that OLeary and her mystery guest could eventually become serious.

I hope whoever he or she is doesnt have a bedroom nicer than me or one closer to Megans office. Id never see anyone, said the bedroom. Id be stuck here just looking after the cat all day, and that thing is a piece of shit.

For their part, OLearys roommates were also excited to have the bedroom cleaned up.

Related:

Whenever we suddenly have a shit-ton of clean bowls in the cabinet, you know Megan finally got to all the old dishes just sitting by her nightstand, said roommate Thomas Chu. Yeah, all the junk she cleans out usually overstuffs our trash can, and the garbage guys wont take anything outside the barrel, but at least its in the right location.

Once finished, OLeary admitted to her own satisfaction with the immaculate bedroom.

Its nice to not feel so cluttered. My mother is coming tomorrow, and I wanted to make sure everything looked good, said OLeary. Shes always been judgmental. If she saw what my room looked like before...

15:01

When you offer someone a lift to work and they take it the wrong way. Really wrong "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It started off when this woman offered a guy a lift to work and it ended up just one more case study to be filed under No good deed

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Say sorry for leading me on

This never happened on Car Share. At least, we dont think so.

Source

The post When you offer someone a lift to work and they take it the wrong way. Really wrong appeared first on The Poke.

14:41

Man rescues bird and 15 minutes later wishes he hadnt "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres BBC reporter Matt Graveling who did the decent thing when he spotted an injured bird lying by the side of the road.

He picked it up and put it in his car.

Except it didnt take long for him to regret it. 15 minutes, in fact.

...

14:16

And takedown of the day goes to "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

You might have seen the very funny spoof Twitter account called British Milk Council which is worth 5 minutes of your time all by itself.

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14:02

Someones found absolute peak Lib Dem "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Polly Mackenzie, former right hand woman to Nick Clegg, is naturally very excited about the governments new crusade against plastic. Quite right too.

Except in claiming credit for the Lib Dems in pushing through the original 5p plastic bag charge when they were in coalition with the Tories, she had this to say.

Except it wasnt quite the end of the story.

14:00

Wow! This Coffee Shop Uses La Croix For Pour Over And You Actually Believed This You Hipster Scum "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The internet is buzzing with excitement over the next new craze in the coffee world: pour over coffee made entirely with flavored La Croix sparkling water. The creation, named Caffe la Croix, is making waves in the coffee world, except that it isnt, because the trend doesnt exist. I made it up. You believed this, didnt you? Youre such hipster scum.

Mary Greene, proprietor and manager of Roast Yrself Bean Coffee in Austin, TX, is the originator of the new trend. Dont get excited, her shop is really named Marys Coffee, you affluent, gullible millennial. I bet you own a Supreme hat.

I got the idea while rereading High Fidelity in my $3,800 loft studio apartment, recounted Greene. So while I was simultaneously drinking a Pamplemousse La Croix and an El Salvadorian single origin dark roast, I had a thought. What would these taste like combined?

After a thoughtful pause, Mary continued. The answer is: disgusting. No one should ever try. I didnt. Its not a thing humans should do. Get over yourself. I actually live in an affordable house in Hutto and I think Nick Hornby is mindless drivel. I would never read that shit. Stop taking Instagram pictures at Pitchfork Festival.

Related: We Did a Blind Taste Test to See If These Hipsters Could Tell the Difference Between Pour-Over Coffee and a Big Spicy Tuna Melt

 

Frequent patron Jacques Couturier described his first Cafe la Croix experience:

It never happened, because Cafe la Croix isnt real, described Couturier. So take your trust fund money, start an indie-synth band, begin crafting free-trade vegan suspenders, and get the fuck away from me, you pretentious asshole. I will beat the shit out of anyone who describes anything as postmodern within earshot of me. And for the record, my name is just John, you twat.

Experts in the boutique coffee industry predict that the sun will render the Earths surface uninhabitable in about 1 billion years, effectively erasing any possibility of this trend that never existed and incinerating your obnoxious, vapid, life.

Article by John Danek @jjdanek

Wanna support The Hard Times? Buy one of our t-shirts!

13:29

Theresa Mays former right hand man went for the she was on holiday defence and here are the only 8 responses you need "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theresa Mays former joint chief of staff Nick Timothy has defended the prime ministers role in those hideous go home or face arrest vans of a few years ago.

You remember the ones.

They are back in the spotlight in the wake of the Windrush scandal and now the PMs former right hand man he quit after the disastrous 2017 election has said that, actually, they were nothing to do with May (despite her being Home Secretary at the time).

And this, he says, is why.

Here are the only 8 responses you need.

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13:00

I was coming out of the junction anyway, confirms Audi driver "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An Audi driver who you helpfully flashed to come out of a busy junction onto a main road in front of you in rush hour traffic this morning, was going to come out anyway, it has been confirmed.

The rapid double flash of your headlights, autopilot-like deceleration and changing down of gears that you always do at that particular junction, as you want to let at least one fellow commuter out if you can, was neither necessary or welcomed, the arrogant middle-manager (sales) has indicated through his lack of a wave at you, and the absence of any camaraderie-building quick left-right-left on his indicators.

In fact, Id already started to emerge from the junction well before you flashed, and would have done so even if youd been going twice the speed, as my time is more important than yours., confirmed the driver by accelerating gratuitously hard to get up to the 15 mile an hour speed of other drivers of the main road and then studiously ignoring any eye-contact with you in his mirror for the rest of your journey.

The Audi driver has confirmed that he will see you in your local petrol station on Sunday evening as usual, when he will be just in front of you, but will refuse to move up to the forward-most petrol pump of 2, to allow you to simultaneously use the one behind.

12:00

Remainerland novel imagines a world where Remain won "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Popular novelist Robert Harris, author of such counterfactual bestsellers as Fatherland, which imagines the world after a Nazi victory, has applied the same methodology to last years EU referendum.

Over the next few weeks and months Harris has them advance all the arguments they actually have in reality, saying that such a narrow victory wasnt enough, and really a two-thirds majority was required for such a major decision. Moreover, they said one shouldnt read too much into what the public thought on a particular day, so we ought to have a second vote a year or so later to see if we still felt the same way.

Finally, what about all those who didnt vote? Maybe they wanted to leave the EU but for some reason never got around to saying so, in which case choosing to remain would fly in the face of what we imagine their wishes were.

This passage has caused much controversy amongst Remain-voting critics, one of whom said: Dont be ridiculous, Im just saying all that because we lost. If wed won, Id have said Thank God for that, now lets never ask the ghastly plebs what they think about anything again. In fact, lets not even have elections if we can help it.

The controversy has led to disappointing sales for the novel, though Harris pointed out that if you include in his tally all the people who didnt buy any books at all, hed be top of the bestseller lists. Some Leave supporters have described the whole scenario as fanciful as the vote was inevitable but Harris said: Remain won, my book is a bestseller, get over it. And if you little snowflakes dont stop whinging about it, Ill write it on the side of a bus and then youll have to believe me.

YaBasta

12:00

True Neutral Woman Considers Herself Chaotic Good "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ROCHESTER, N.Y. Local roleplaying enthusiast Susan Warburton, confirmed to be true neutral on the alignment chart by close friends and family, considers herself to be chaotic good, an unpredictable force who fights for the wellbeing of others, according to close sources.

Im pretty crazy, but at least I always try to be a good person, Warburton told reporters, who had already spoken to a multitude of people close to her, each of which independently stated that Warburton is not a particularly good or bad person, but also downright boring. I was playing D&D recently and, me being me, I decided to be totally random and figure out what my real life alignment is. Definitely a chaotic good!

Like heres an example: I love to travel. I actually have not gone on vacation in a few years, but I did spend a weekend at the Niagara Falls this past summer, and I noticed that the Canadian side of the park is far cleaner than the American side, and it made me pretty bummed out! Thats just the kind of fascinating stuff I notice every day, explained Warburton, repeating the exact same sentiment as the other thirty million people who visit the Niagara Falls each year.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:


Those who know Warburton well have stated that they do not have the heart to reveal to her the reality of her real-life roleplaying alignment.

I absolutely love Susan, but shes so predictable, you could replace her with an algorithm, said Warburtons longtime girlfriend Renee Dawson. And Im definitely not saying shes a bad person. I just wouldnt go out on a limb and d...

11:39

Achieve inner peace by practicing Bloody-Mindedness "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Becoming more aware of where you are and what youre doing, by becoming overly reactive to the f*ckwits surrounding you.

Bloody-Mindedness is a natural quality that we all have. Its available to us in every moment if we take the time to appreciate it. When we practice Bloody Mindedness were practicing the art of creating space for ourselvesspace to think, space to breathe, space to frustrate, obstruct and p*ss-off others, just because we can, thereby relieving that inner tension which builds up in us all.

Some things to consider before practicing Bloody-Mindedness:

You dont need to buy anything. You can practice anywhere, theres no need to go out and buy a special cushion or benchall you need is to devote a little time and space to accessing your Bloody Mindedness skills every day.

How to Practice Bloody-Mindedness:

1. Take a seat. Find a place to sit that feels calm and quiet to you, and blocks an important entrance, exit or right of way for others.
2. Dont set a time limit. If youre just beginning, it can help to choose a short time, such as 5 or 10 hours.
3. Notice your body. You can sit in a chair with your feet on the floor, you can sit loosely cross-legged, but dont do anything poncey like assuming the lotus posture, or kneeling. Just make sure you are stable and in a position designed to cause the maximum inconvenience for others.
4. Feel your breath. Follow the sensation of your breath as it goes out and as it goes in, speeding up to match your increasing blood-pressure.
5. Notice when your mind has wandered. Inevitably, your attention will leave the sensations of the breath and wander to other places, like that daft git with the stupid haircut and arse hanging out of his jeans. When you get around to noticing thisin a few seconds, a minute, five minutessimply let out a long sigh, and mutter under your breath oh, for f*ck sake.
6. Be kind to your wandering mind. Dont judge yourself, but do judge others, at length and in detail. Just keep doing it, whenever you find yourself at a loose end in public. Youll feel so much better.

Thats it! Thats the practice. You f*ck off, you come back, and you try to do it as unpleasantly as possible.

11:29

This cautionary tale about a late takeaway curry went viral because it had a lesson for us all "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The estimable @mooseallain had a story to tell on Twitter and lots of people shared it because it had a twist and a moral at the end of it.

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11:11

What the world map sounds like on a piano "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is very clever what someones done here, and genuinely surprising.

(via)

Perfect. Although some people thought it could have been even better.

Goodness knows what they should have put over the UK. Your thoughts in the comments on social media, please!

Source

The post...

10:55

Shorten Unwinds Like Any Other Aussie Bloke Over A 425ml Glass Of Brewed Cereal Grains "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Leader of the Opposition, Bill Shorten, has today proven that despite a 30-year-career of political bureaucracy and media training, he is in fact just like the rest of us. After wrapping up a press conference / heavily documented conversation with local workers, the Labor Party leader decided to do what it is []

The post Shorten Unwinds Like Any Other Aussie Bloke Over A 425ml Glass Of Brewed Cereal Grains appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

10:52

Doncaster Council had the perfect response when this happened "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is why Doncaster is our new favourite Metropolitan Borough Council (not a phrase we use often).

And it didnt end there a thread in 15 parts.

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10:29

Richard!!! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Nice spot by @Becca_DP on Twitter.

How do you pronounce it again?

Source

The post Richard!!! appeared first on The Poke.

10:23

Chris Packham watched Alien: Covenant and started to pick holes in the plot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Everyones favourite birder and all-round wildlife good egg Chris Packham settled down to watch pisspoor horror prequel Alien: Covenant and started to pick holes in the plot.

There are probably lots of bits the entire thing which dont make sense, but Packham had a particular bone to pick with Ridley Scott.

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More fool him for watching it twice, we say.

10:11

I love cow. Do you love cow too? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As spotted by @OwsWills on Twitter.

Once read, never unread.

Separate but related

Source

The post I love cow. Do you love cow too? appeared first on...

09:51

Turnbull Attempts To Feel Disgusted At Banking Royal Commissions Findings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has laughed off the suggestion that he pretended to be horrified at the Royal Commissions findings this afternoon, telling reporters he always thought the banking sector was all above board. I can assure you, when I was a banker, things were a lot different, said Malcolm Turnbull this afternoon in []

The post Turnbull Attempts To Feel Disgusted At Banking Royal Commissions Findings appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:23

Slav Mate Whips Out Different Nationalities Depending On Who Hes Talking To "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Slav by the name of Luka has today switched back to being Serb, after switching between several different Eastern European nationalities at a party last night. Despite the fact that the 27-year-old car detailer from Betootas Flight Path District, was overheard trying to suss out mutual friends or relatives with []

The post Slav Mate Whips Out Different Nationalities Depending On Who Hes Talking To appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:30

Dale Winton: a life in clips and our favourite tribute to the presenter who has died aged 62 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TV presenter Dale Winton has died aged 62.

Here are a selection of the many tributes being paid to the great man along with some of favourite clips beginning with, well, what else?

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07:48

Banking Royal Commission Questions Ethics Around Letting Drunk Idiots Use Paywave At Pub "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Royal Commission into Misconduct in the Banking, Superannuation and Financial Services Industry has announced today that banks could come under fire for letting pissed morons use PayWave when paying for 13 jagerbombs. The Royal Commission into banks has already heard horror stories about predatory lending and dodgy financial advice, and Commissioner []

The post Banking Royal Commission Questions Ethics Around Letting Drunk Idiots Use Paywave At Pub appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:33

Man Faces Oxygen Theft Charges After Being Accused Of Crime During Heated Facebook Argument "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local motocross enthusiast is tonight facing charges for a string of unsolved oxygen thefts in recent years after being accused of the crimes on social media. Johnny Butler, third cousin to famous rock-folk troubadour John Butler, took to Facebook earlier this week to publically call out Mark []

The post Man Faces Oxygen Theft Charges After Being Accused Of Crime During Heated Facebook Argument appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:00

Column: Alan Jones Guide To Being A Cook "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Having hired Mark Latham our culinary columnist,  then fired him that afternoon, The (un)Australian has found his replacement in Lathams just published cookbook co-author and friend, radio broadcaster Alan Jones.

Even though I am a very busy man and a very important person, I know the value of sitting down to a good home cooked meal. Over the years I have picked up many recipes and I enjoy nothing more than sitting back in the kitchen and bellowing instructions to my butler on how to cook them.

For the readers today I am going to teach you how to cook a dish that I came up with called a Non-halal Snack Pack /. It is not to be confused with anHalal Snack Pack. That is an abomination that I think we can all agree has caused nothing but trouble for the peo...

05:31

Local Girl So Bad With Guys Even Russian Hackers Have Stopped Looking At Her Messages "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Shelley Adams (23) is the definition of unlucky in love, not only does she miss important social cues from romantic prospects, but she also cant get her tone right in text messages. Right now Shelleys going through a particularly dry patch, so much so that very little of her digital footprint has []

The post Local Girl So Bad With Guys Even Russian Hackers Have Stopped Looking At Her Messages appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:38

Correlation Found Between Blokes Height And Likelihood Of Punching On Outside Maccas "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KENT REGINALD | Body and Soul | CONTACT A multi-billion dollar United Nations-sanctioned scientific study, comprising of millions of individual participants across the world and from all walks of life, has today finally confirmed that there is a definite correlation between how short a human man is, and how likely that man is to start a fight outside his []

The post Correlation Found Between Blokes Height And Likelihood Of Punching On Outside Maccas appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:38

Could Legalising Cannabis And Taxing It Fix The NBN? Barnaby Joyce Says Whatever "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The former Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce was asked by our reporters this morning via mobile telephone if legalising could find the troubled NBN infrastructure and rollout who which he said, Please leave me alone, I dont care anymore. Barnaby Joyce, a popular Coalition backbencher, said that itd probably help with the funding []

The post Could Legalising Cannabis And Taxing It Fix The NBN? Barnaby Joyce Says Whatever appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:05

ARU To Replace Qantas With Westboro Baptist Church As Major Sponsor "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Westboro-Baptist-Church-demonstrations

Following the controversial remarks of Wallabies player Israel Folau, the ARU has announced that they will be replacing their naming rights sponsor Qantas with a brand that better reflects Folaus views, the Westboro Baptist Church.

Its a difficult situation we find ourselves in having to balance the beliefs of our player with the beliefs of our sponsors, said an ARU Spokesperson. But ultimately it is the players who make this game, not the suits so we decided to back our player and embrace his beliefs and the people at the Westboro Baptist Church jumped on board to help us move forward.

Asked whether the controversial Church with its extreme anti-gay stance could be a detriment for rugby union in Australia, the spokesperson replied: Have you seen our ratings and attendances lately? We cant do more damage to the brand than what weve done t...

00:55

Peace in Middle East after lab-grown pork ruled kosher "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Decades of warfare and conflict in Palestine have ended completely and suddenly after a leading rabbi ruled that pork product cultured in a laboratory could be considered kosher because the animals identity has been lost. Political observers are now hoping that an Islamic scholar can be persuaded to declare artificial pig meat halal, after which peace will break out everywhere in the Middle East.

As an Orthodox fundamentalist, I believe that Yahweh gifted the Land of Israel to the Jews for all time, said Baruch Levy, an Israeli settler on the Golan Heights. But on the other hand, mmmm, bacon sandwiches. And I can even put cheese sauce on chops, apparently. I feel such a klutz for getting so angry with the Palestinians all these years. West Bank, schmest Bank, let them have it, I say.

Shiite theologian Hussain Talalbani from the holy city of Karbala in Iraq said that he will study the Quran closely for any indications of whether products created in a test tube to resemble cloven-hoofed animals are deemed to have a cloven hoof as a result. In the interim, Shiites must continue to view Sunni Muslims as murderers of the twelfth Imam and lower than beetle droppings at the Dead Sea although on the other hand, Parma ham.

Radicalised youth are reportedly in two minds. The Zionists, on whom be the curse of Allah, stole my grandfathers olive groves and my family has lived in poverty ever since, said Said Jaffar, an 18-year-old trainee suicide bomber living in a refugee camp in Gaza. I shall continue to throw stones at their tanks every day until I become a holy martyr with 72 doe-eyed virgins to shag on my own cloud every day, or I can eat a sausage bap, whichever happens first.

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Wednesday, 18 April

17:30

Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mercury is finally out of the dickhead zone for you, so enjoy the reprieve. Use the time to subject everyone to your pop-punk cover of Good Kid, M.A.A.D City, and go ahead and recite stand-up routines as original thoughts while youre at it most people have learned to just tune you out by now anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You may be feeling a little unusual lately, Taurus. The new moon earlier this week has you susceptible to anything off, so make sure to not eat whatever random shit you keep finding in the tour van for the next few days.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You may want to keep your thoughts to your fucking self this week for once, Gemini. You kept your mouth shut when your roommate tried to bring back bucket hats and JNCO jeans, so we know you can do it. Maybe now isnt the best time to stage an intervention about their crust punk phase its THEIR journey, not yours. So stop acting like a Capricorn, and just be cool.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Astrological readings can sometimes be vague and hard to interpret, but this week, the cosmos are singing loud and clear and they are definitely calling you a poser.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Despite having kept your cool lately, youll find it extra hard to control your temper this week, Leo so just make sure not to lash out at the wrong person. You dont want to get left behind in Rhode Island for a third time, do you?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Just let it go, Virgo. Stop holding onto the past. Those Vans with the hole in the bottom? That you keep in the back of the closet? Waiting for the exact right amount to finally retire them? Theyve got to go. Throw them out, Virgo. Youre gross. Its time.

Libra (September 23- October 22)
Youve been quiet all year, and its time to put your wisdom into action, Libra. Youre too intelligent and articulate to NOT share your views online. Its been a while since youve talked to your estranged cousin from Missouri, anyway take the lead and start another gun control debate on his Facebook wall. Get the ball rolling. A dialogue will bring you closer together.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
A deep, water sign, you represent the mysterious, hard-shelled scorpion which is fitting, given the wicked case of scabies you havent told anyone about since Saturn went into Capricorn. Theres no sense in telling that touring band you said could crash on your couch at this point  this sort of thing usually takes care of itself anyway. Right?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As an adventurous Sag, youll need more drugs this month than usual so take time this week to plan a trip to an outdoor fest, like Burning Man or Coachella both perfec...

17:06

Good work, everybody! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Must have been a lot of people born in the same year. It can be the only explanation.

Source

The post Good work, everybody! appeared first on The Poke.

17:01

This sign irritated certain drivers so much they vandalised it "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This sign went up in Sherlock Street in Birmingham city centre and it will strike a chord with lots of people in the city and beyond.

In fact, it irritated one person so much they did this.

This person wasnt happy with it either.

Source

The post This sign irritated certain drivers so much they vandalised it appeared first on The Poke.

16:55

You wont see a better case of mistaken identity "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Why you should always look closely at pictures on Facebook before replying.

Theres no coming back from that.

Source

The post You wont see a better case of mistaken identity appeared first on The Poke.

16:27

A pregnant woman posted this on Facebook and a friend got entirely the wrong end of the stick "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Well, that was unfortunate.

A woman, who it turns out was pregnant, posted this on Facebook to encourage her friends to look out for wildlife.

And this is how one of her friends responded.

NOOOOO!

And tha...

16:25

Colleague Whos Used Up All Her Annual Leave Defiantly Books Splendour Tickets At Work "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the fact that Jessie from accounts has actually used up every single minute of this years annual leave, she appears unbridled in her rush to book tickets to a four-day music festival in July this year. Jessie, who has already attended like seven festivals this year, has also been able to []

The post Colleague Whos Used Up All Her Annual Leave Defiantly Books Splendour Tickets At Work appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:11

The glorious moment this goalkeeper was given a taste of his own medicine "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After all the shenanigans the goalkeeper goes through, youll be hoping that the guy scores the penalty.

But its better than that. Much better.

Should count double.

Source

The post The glorious moment this goalkeeper was given a taste of his own medicine appeared first on The Poke.

16:00

Woman calculates she should be post death after weekend booze binge "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following the publication of a report showing that consuming one alcohol drink per day takes one day off your life expectancy, Tracey Andrews, 34, has calculated that her weekend binge drinking session in Skegness resulted in a negative life expectancy.

Andrews explained, Im on borrowed time. I should have died on Saturday night technically on the spot following that seventh Jager bomb at Bar Monique.

Leading health experts, who have been unable to reconcile these anomalies, have referred to the phenomenon as being post death. Kiran Patel, a senior government health adviser, remarked, Science is based on reason and rationale deduction. In this case, the only remaining explanation is that Tracey and her like are some sort of immortals or even gods.

Buoyed by the news of her deity status, Andrews has resigned from her job as a Credit Controller for a printing company and started a celebrity religious cult. Ive contacted my fellow immortals and urged them to join me in Sheffield. I plan to start a new faith group. We meet at The Kings Arms on the High Road every Tuesday curry night. You have to be a post-death drinker to join though, as were trying to keep it exclusive.

 

kabirgaryali

15:30

Barista Unaware Frequent Customer Has Three Albums Worth of Pop-Punk Songs About Her "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. Busy Bean Caf barista Zeynab Polykarpos is reportedly unaware that pop-punk frontman and frequent customer Johnny Saunders has penned more than three full-length albums worth of material about her over the last several years, weirded out sources report.

It all started four years ago, when [Saunders] ran into the practice space with a giant notebook full of stuff about aprons and muffins and stuff, explained The Pizza Pieoneers drummer Melissa Runnymede. He had these songs called, When Our Fingers Touched, and Misspell My Name Again they were all about these shallow interactions with some girl he barely knew. I dont know. They were kind of creepy, but its pop-punk, so it was still a perfect fit.

The four-piece has thus far released three albums about Saunders encounters with the part-time barista. The most recent, Friendly Smiles Expose Yellow Teeth, has been self-described as an album for those whove met someone who left a permanent stain on their heart that no amount of uninsured dental cleaning can remove.

I mean [Im] not too crazy about the subject matter, but this is the closest thing to a successful band Ill probably ever be in, so Im just gonna roll with it, Runnymede added. Sometimes Im tempted to show this girl these songs, but I guess high school kids whove never experienced love cant get enough of this empty shit, so, whatever.

Related:

Busy Bean floor manager Aidan DiGiovanni was seemingly surprised by the adoring frontmans extensive material, claiming hes pretty sure she has no idea who the fuck that guy even is.

Wow. That boy is obsessed, a jittery DiGiovanni said. Now that I think about it, he doesnt come in unless he sees [Polykarpos] working. Sometimes hell sit and order six coffees, just giving her his name and order over and over again. I think I heard her call him the Half-Caf Creep once, but thats about it.

While Saunders allegedly has no plans to formally introduce himself to Polykarpos, he did confirm...

14:00

Spoiler Alert: Punk Was Dead This Whole Time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Punks not dead, right? Spoiler alert, dipshit!

According to this fan theory, punk has been dead for decades. Not only that, but evidence suggests that since 1976 punk and its numerous revivals have died several embarrassing, stupid, found-in-a-dumpster-with-its-pants-around-its-ankles-style deaths. Dont believe me? Then be prepared to munch on some proofy pudding.

The Sex Pistols Break Up (1977)
The original bad boys of punk! Lead by singer Pistol Pete Rotten, bassist Sid Vicious, and likely two other guys, The Sex Pistols, aka the Boys in Blue, kicked off the UK punk scene with the release of their classic and in no way overrated album Never Mind, The Bollocks!

Unfortunately for The Only Band That Matters El Pistolas imploded soon after the albums release. Many historians cite this moment as the first death of the punk.

Rotten would go on to star in a commercial for butter, while Psycho Sid VIcious would dye his hair blonde, grow several inches taller, and become a World Wrestling Federation Superstar and two-time world champion!

Related: Is Punk Dead? How the Hell Should I Know? Im a Bernese Mountain Dog

 

CBGBs Permanently Closes (2006)
As everyone knows, the original CBGBs (pronounced Sbeegbs) is a punk as fuck bar and restaurant located in terminal F of Newark International Airport. F being the most punk rock of all terminals.

Legend has it Henry Rollinss agent once negotiated the terms of his clients History Channel contract while gnawing on Up the Punktato Skins at this very restaurant!

Unfortunately for the punk rockers of Newarks Frequent Flyer Platinum Class, CBGBs has been forever lost to the sands of time. RIP Rest in PUNK!!!

The Release of Avril Lavignes First Album (2002)
Canadian popstress Avril Mean Machine Lavigne co-opted skater punk style and melded it with run-of-the-mill, uninspired, mainstream pop.

The end result was, of course, groundbreaking. Critics hailed Avrils first album as awe-inspiring, and every RIOTGRRRL in the punk community immediately recognized Lavignes superiority. Allegedly, Patti Smith self-immolated upon seeing Lavigne ride a Power Wheels around a mall in the Complicated music video. And Siouxsie Sioux vowed to stop spelling her name like an idiot.

Finally, all remaining female punk bands responded to Avrils genius by immediately disbanding, committing Seppuku, or both.

Casey Jones Declares His Hatred for Punkers in Teenage Mutant Ninja...

13:49

15 very British responses to the sun coming out "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Finally something to take our minds off the fact the world is going to hell in a handcart. The suns come out, everybody!

And here are 15 very British responses to the weather taking a turn for the better. For the moment, anyway.

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13:32

Westworld comes to west London with a robot boozer called Fred "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Westworld came to west London in the form of an ultra-realistic humanoid robot called Fred and gave a glimpse of what the series would have looked like had it been set in a pub.

The good people of Now TV created a robot based on a real 55-year-old chap called Tedroy Newell to publicise the second series of the sci-fi show. The pair even got to meet each other.

Anyway, this is what he looked like

He nattered to regulars his movements captured on a whole bunch of cameras and ended up shattering a pint glass for that authentic closing time atmosphere. Spookily accurate

The post Westworld comes to west London with a robot boozer called Fred appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

Bastard shortage hits Home Office recruitment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Home Secretary has said that a shortage of uncaring bastards has caused a shortage of staff at the Home Office. Amber Rudd explained that There are thousands of people who have lived blameless lives in the UK for decades who have yet to receive letters threatening to deport them. This simply because we dont have enough utter bastards. I have asked my colleague, the secretary of State for Work and Pensions, if she could loan me some of her staff but apparently, all of their complete bastards are fully occupied telling terminal ill or dead people to report for interviews or theyll have their benefits cut.

12:44

The letter we all wish our dad had written to school "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A chap called Seann Walsh shared this letter his dad wrote to his school after he got into trouble over his school uniform and his sweater was confiscated.

If thats tricky to read

Dear Mr Field

Sean tells me that you have confiscated his sweater. He tells me that in class he conforms to the school uniform. He was absent from school on Monday because he had a cold, so travelling on Wednesday without his sweater was not too clever.

He told me that the jacket he normally wears is acceptable, but it was stained, therefore he could not wear it. His mother was in Cyprus last week on a break and I, unfortunately, was not able to use the washing machine.

Sean was too embarrassed at having a father who cannot use a washing machine to say this.

Anyway my point is: Isnt this just a little bit petty? Lifes hard enough.

Regards

And we love it on so many levels.

12:38

This ITV News interview wins our vox pop of the day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ITVs Paul Brand was out and about at the Stop the War demo in Westminster and came across this woman.

11:56

The difference between Coachella and British music festivals in pictures "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone posted two pictures illustrating the difference between the Coachella Festival in the US and the UKs Reading Festival and a whole lot of other people joined in. Here are the best.

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11:40

This is the team name youll want to use next time you do a pub quiz "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Stefan Heck was playing in a pub quiz and needed help with a team name.

The answers didnt disappoint

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11:22

It was one year ago today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

One year later we can all look back and laugh, right? Anyone?

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READ MORE

What they said about the Daily Mails crush the saboteurs headline on the day it was published

The post It was one year ago today appeared first on The Poke.

09:40

Apex Gang Finally Get Bosses Of Five Families In The Same Room To Discuss Territories "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After months of scrutiny from the media and politicians, the highly organised Melbourne criminal network known simply as the Apex gang, has managed to get the heads of each chapter in the same room, to discuss the future of their organisation as a whole Leaders from different families of the Apex network, []

The post Apex Gang Finally Get Bosses Of Five Families In The Same Room To Discuss Territories appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:12

First Home Buyers Posing With Sold Sign Acting Like They Had No Help From Parents "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular young professional couple has recently taken to social media to show friends, family and casual onlookers that theyve recently entered the property market heralding a new chapter in their lives. Marcia Sock and Gavin Coolidge, both of Betoota Grove fame, are the new owners of a handsome four-bedroom home in []

The post First Home Buyers Posing With Sold Sign Acting Like They Had No Help From Parents appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:11

Donald Trump confessed to being a foreign agent so we can all go home now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Donald Trump tweeting what else? his support for an American man on trial in Turkey charged with links to a failed 2016 military coup.

And it didnt take long for people to spot what hed said. Must feel good to get that off your chest, eh Donald?

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08:45

Man saving bird goes viral because its sweet and very, very funny "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In time honoured fashion, you really do have to watch this to the end.

Perfect comic timing.

Source

The post Man saving bird goes viral because its sweet and very, very funny appeared first on The Poke.

08:25

When you have to say it tastes better than it looks, its probably game over "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fancy something to eat? Actually, I think Im okay, thanks.

If you have to write Tastes better than it looks! then it probably wasnt a good idea in the first place.

Heres what people made of it online.

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08:21

Nation Still Shocked A Devout Christian Footballer From Logan Isnt As PC As Tom Tilley "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A highly religious professional tri-code footballer who publicly stated his opposition to gay marriage before, during and after the postal vote plebiscite has shocked people this week with further comments that indicated his religious-charged views towards homosexuality. This comes as Wallabies star Israel Folau has said he is prepared to walk away from []

The post Nation Still Shocked A Devout Christian Footballer From Logan Isnt As PC As Tom Tilley appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:26

No Case To Answer: Legal Experts Prove Bachelor Contestants Actually Are Vapid C*nts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A retired local magistrate has weighed into the vapid-cunt-gate sweeping controversy thats making waves in the Australian media sphere telling The Advocate that the journalist responsible for it and the news media organisation who published it have no case. They have no case because the remarks were not defamatory because they were []

The post No Case To Answer: Legal Experts Prove Bachelor Contestants Actually Are Vapid C*nts appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:13

Stefanovic Forced To Ride Mechanical Bull At Johnny Ringos To Impress New QLD In-Laws "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Karl Stefanovic has confirmed that he had to lay it on this week to earn a few points with his new fiances extended family at a low-key Tuesday evening session in Brisbanes CBD. The co-host of Channel 9s Today Show, who recently become engaged to Brisbane model and fashion designer Jasmine Yarbrough, []

The post Stefanovic Forced To Ride Mechanical Bull At Johnny Ringos To Impress New QLD In-Laws appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:07

Latham Sacked As Cooking Columnist Following Confusion Over Crushed Nuts "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Cooking columnist Mark Latham has today been let go by The (un)Australian following some confusion over the term crushed nuts and an unfortunate incident involving an intern.

Its a bloody stitch up, the recipe said crush nuts so naturally I saw the intern and thought hell do and whacked him in the plums, said Mr Latham. Next thing you know theyre dragging me out of the kitchen and trying to throw me in a taxi.

Jokes on them though as no taxi in Australia will have me as a customer.

The (un)Australian said in a statement: We regret that our relationship with Mark Latham has concluded. We knew going in that hiring him was a risk, however we also believe that everyone deserves a second or in his case 25th chance.

We wish Mr Latham well in his future endeavours.

No word yet on who will be replacing Mark Latham in his cooking column. Sportsbet is running a poll with odds on fa...

04:56

Parramatta Getting Very Close To Lets Just Start Using Steroids Territory "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Parramatta Eels are reportedly considering just doing illegal performance enhancing drugs and waiting to see how long it takes them to get caught, after the club slumped to a eighth straight loss, and sixth of the 2018 season.The Eels remain at the very bottom of the NRL ladder after their atrocious []

The post Parramatta Getting Very Close To Lets Just Start Using Steroids Territory appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:27

Charleston Nurse Decides to Become Aspiring Author "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Kendra Burke, a full-time nurse in Charleston, South Carolina, recently decided to become an aspiring author - which, she explained, has more to do with personal potential and possibility than with external accomplishment or even action. "I'm not...

03:44

Deconstructed Coffee A Surprise Hit In Local Primary School Staffroom "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When the deconstructed coffee trend first started to appear in the French Quarter cafe scene, needless to say, a lot of locals were left unimpressed. By the notion of paying for a service, only for that service to fall back to the consumer. It was garnered a lot of []

The post Deconstructed Coffee A Surprise Hit In Local Primary School Staffroom appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:28

Inner-City Left-Wing Journo Begins Drafting Career-Making Anti-ANZAC Day Tweet "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The last 16 listicles written by Antony Pierre Levitt (24) have fallen flat. Hes pulled in nowhere near the number of clicks his editor thought he would, and nowhere near the amount of clicks he is required to pull in by quota to justify his columnist role with a prominent online []

The post Inner-City Left-Wing Journo Begins Drafting Career-Making Anti-ANZAC Day Tweet appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:08

Gotham Hospital Begs Batman to Consider Killing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

GOTHAM CITY, N.J. Administrators of Gotham General Hospital have issued a statement to the citys famed vigilante crusader, imploring him to reconsider his stance on executing criminals.  

Look, every ER in the country struggles to keep up, thats the nature of health care, said Brenda Nash, head nurse at the hospitals emergency room.  But these nights when Batmans out there, were dealing with dozens of arm and leg fractures on top of what wed normally get. Its really overwhelming. Maybe he should think about killing some of these guys, thats all were saying.

The caped crusader, a polarizing figure in the community even with the support of police commissioner Jim Gordon, has long maintained a policy of not killing the criminals and thugs he spends his nights thwarting.  

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

I get it, moral high ground and all that, said Nash.  But its not really that easy. If anyone sees Batman, will they tell him a lot of these guys arent pulling through? Hes really just giving us a lot of extra work.

Hospital employees arent the only ones that feel Batman should re-evaluate his policy.  A former victim spoke to reporters on the condition of anonymity.

I was a mixed up kid, running with the wrong crowd, he said through a speech generating program on his computer.  One night the Clock King offered me thirty-five bucks to stand guard while he robbed a jewelry store. I needed the money, and didnt think I was hurting anyone.  Then Batman showed up and knocked out all my teeth and pretty much broke my whole left side.

The man is now confined to a wheelc...

00:55

Middle class white student with dreadlocks held in detention centre "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Parents of Tarquin Farquar-Smythe of Farnham have petitioned the Home Office after their son was arrested and detained at a detention centre for illegal immigrants. The 18 year old, dreadlocked, social studies undergraduate was arrested by police on suspicion of being an illegal Jafaican immigrant, after one officer heard him saying arks instead of ask to a friend in a local off licence.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police says that officers carried out a stop and search of the individual and on questioning the suspect, found that he was in possession of several dropped Hs, some discourse-pragmatic markers, namely innits, and a variety of post-dental sibilant consonants.

Jeremy and Cressida Farquar-Smythe claim that it must be a case of mistaken identity as their son is incredibly pale with terribly acne and ginger hair. Tarquin is clearly a white, British male. The nearest he has ever been to the Caribbean is our second villa in Bermuda, said stockbroker, Jeremy.

The arresting officers said that the suspect became very agitated and aggressive, saying that the officers were totally soggy and dis-wavey, adding you is bare frass tings, innit. It was at this point that the confused police officers deployed their batons and CS spray.

A Home Office spokesman told our reporter that the family had produced the correct paperwork to have their son released and that the administration process was taking some time. He added, Off the record, we know hes a white British citizen but were keeping him in custody to teach him a lesson. Well let him go when he stops being a cultural appropriating, snivelling little mummys boy.

00:19

Column: Mark Lathams Guide To Being A Cook "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When those lefty freaks at The (un)Australian tweeted me to ask if I would write for them you could have knocked me over with a feather as I swore Id blocked them. But then I got to thinking, you know Mark the more people you reach the more people you can abuse. So I took a break from angrily tweeting random females on Twitter and pulled together a recipe for all you lefties to cook and hopefully choke on.

As a man you must be able to cook. Whether its for yourself or to pull a root. The days of ordering take away are over. Especially for me as Im banned from using Uber eats after I challenged the driver to a fist fight.

One of my favourite dishes to cook and its somewhat of a specialty of mine is meat pie ala Latho. Now dont panic this is not a complicated dish. First thing you need to do is pull the pie out of the freezer. Preferably grab a chunky beef variety, one that will really get up a vego leftys nose.

After getting it out of the freezer you then take the pie out of the plastic. This is a difficult step. Especially if like me you are not allowed to be around sharp objects. Personally I use my teeth.

O...

00:11

Australians Slowly Return To Regular Lives As Trinity Grammar Disaster Finally Resolved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

trinity grammar

Australians can at last move on and begin the healing process after the resolution of a two-week-long hair-cutting incident at a Melbourne school.

The two torrid weeks took their toll on ordinary Australians, with many still coming to terms with the fact a higher school teacher lost his job and was then reinstated.

The event consumed the nation, with 11,000 separate media stories written about the saga. We can now get back to reading about more frivolous things like the war in Syria, one relieved Australian said. It was touch and go there for a while.

He said the country would grow from the experience. From adversity comes strength. Or, as a private school motto might say, Tenacitas per aspera.

The 400 journalists covering the story are now without work.

Go Back:30 Days | 7 Days | 2 Days | 1 Day

IndyWatch Satirical News Feed Today.

Go Forward:1 Day | 2 Days | 7 Days | 30 Days

Tuesday, 17 April

22:36

Slime Ball Comey Compares Trump's Hands To Anthony's Weiner "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: With his baby-blues peering into the camera like two piss holes in a snow bank, and him furtively squeezing off popcorn farts that had George Staphylococcus' eyes watering, James Comey attempted to answer the questions posed by th...

19:40

You wont believe what Barack Obama says in this video "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This video of the former president was posted online by Buzzfeed. Key thing here is to watch the whole thing. Or, at least until halfway

Except some people

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18:15

Dissatisfied Coffee Shop Customer Decides to Take His Business Elsewhere "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Dissatisfied with the wait-time for a cup of coffee to go at his (formerly) regular neighborhood coffee shop, Bean Stop, New York City resident Dan Foley recently decided to take his business to elsewhere. There were three people in line ahead of...

18:13

White House Needs Bigger Bus To Throw People Under "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerThe Trump Administration feels the current White House bus is no longer adequate to keep up with the current demand. In a speech from the Rose Garden today, President Trump said, You folks hired the Youre Fired guy, so this shouldnt be a surprise to anyone. I just reversed something Nikki Haley said at the

16:26

Best thing weve read in the Mail for a long time after reporters private thoughts go public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Youd need a heart of stone wouldnt you? not to feel some degree of sympathy for the Daily Mail reporter whose musings on a Google document accidentally ended up in Mail Online.

The reporter was said to be mortified after her comments about reality TV contestantson an Aussie TV show, Bachelor in Paradise, went public and stayed there for several hours before they were deleted.

Florence [Alexandra] initially rose to fame on Matty Js season of The Bachelor, before unsuccessfully trying her luck at love again in Paradise.

But most people who were educated at a high-school level know these vapid cunts only go on the shows to find mediocre Instagram fame and make a living promoting teeth whiteners and unnecessary cosmetic procedures.

16:04

Morrisseys done another interview and here are the only 7 things you need to know "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Morrisseys done another interview and these people have read it so you dont have to.

Thank goodness for that.

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16:00

Wetherspoon bans reading "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following their decision to withdraw from social media, the pub chain has signalled its intention to roll back on the industrial age, medieval agrarian reform and washing in winter. A spokesman for Tim Martin insisted that the internet was the work of the evil goblins and that Spotify was the devil spunking in your ear.

The spokesman said: Aye, nothing good ever came of writing. Folks round here dont take too kindly to letters and basic hygiene. If the God lord had wanted us to use Facebook he would have scooped out our brains and replaced them with a turnip. He went on to demand that all printing presses were destroyed and anyone on Instagram was burnt as a witch.

The Wetherspoons menu will now be solely pictorial, with the helpful image of deep-fried nematode worm and a side order of chunky fries. Any patron caught wearing a t-shirt with a slogan will be asked to don a smock of sackcloth and ashes, from Jacamo.

Management were keen to emphasize that this was not a rejection modern communication but a vote in favour of the carrier pigeon. Despite the adjustment, Wetherspoon intends to keep Friday nights simple; with drunken harlots rolling in mud, being beaten by a baying mob, armed with an inflated pigs bladder on a stick so no change there then.

15:56

Recently Divorced Man Flicks Metaphorical Cigarette into Gasoline by Buying Magic the Gathering Starter Pack "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NANTICOKE, Pa. After going through an arduous divorce, horrified witnesses reported that local resident Andrew Stone said fuck it under his breath to himself before furthering his dive into despair, flicking a metaphorical cigarette into a life doused in gasoline, walking away as it explodes behind him, by getting into Magic The Gathering.

He strode over to the register, tossed his wallet to the cashier and said You best get your loved ones out of here because a man with nothing left to lose and a Magic The Gathering deck is a dangerous thing, said Alexis Stewart, a clerk at a local game store. The sheer terror of his tone almost caused me to shit my pants.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

According to those close to the scene, friends and family of Stone, after hearing about the incident, were brought to tears.

Well there goes any chance of him getting custody of the kids, his mother Teresa Stone sobbed. I just dont understand how he could give up on life when he has his friends, his family his job. He could have asked for help, but instead he decided to piss his life away on the heroin of competitive card games.

At least heroin users have the decency to eventually overdose, we are going to have to watch him self-destruct on this horseshit for decades or at least until he discovers Hearthstone, she explained to police.

At press time, Stone reportedly doubled down on his spiral into nothingness with the online purchase of various Warhammer 40,000 figurines.

...

15:51

Daily Mail today vs Daily Mail every other day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Todays Daily Mail front page caught a few people by surprise because, well, it appeared to be saying the right thing for a change.

But just in case you need reminding

Ah yes, thats more like it.

In conclusion

Source

The post Daily Mail today vs Daily Mail every other day appeared first on The Poke.

15:30

Sigur Rs Karaoke Massive Flop at Office Party "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. Measureworks IT technician Jeff Simmins left dozens of bar patrons perplexed last night after singing Svefn-g-englar by Icelandic avant-rock band Sigur Rs at a company karaoke party, multiple eyewitnesses confirmed.

I just killed on Paradise City before the new guy got up there, said Measureworks salesman Chris Wu. This weird, fancy, atmospheric music played for like, 10 minutes, and then there were all these weird sounds that I guess were background vocals or something.

It sounded like whales arguing, added Measureworks Human Resources rep Reshma Saraman.

Simmins, a karaoke novice and casual Sigur Rs fan, acknowledged that while he has no idea what the Icelandic band is singing about, he does like their album ().

On the lyric screen, there were no words it was nothing but wavy lines and the words elf-like moan in parenthesis. I knew right then and there that Id really fucked up in front of everybody, Simmins said. My voice blew out during the high-pitched wailing part seven minutes in.

Related:

The Orange Lamp, the host venue for the party boasting the biggest karaoke book on Staten Island, reportedly offers a wide selection of thousands of songs, some more crowd-pleasing than others.

Jeff wasnt the even worst one last night, Saraman confirmed. After he disappeared, some drunk guy got up and did that Enya song the one thats all like, Sail away, sail away Is that what its called? You know what I mean.

When asked if hell ever do karaoke again, a hesitant Simmins claimed that if and when he ever does, he surely wont make the same mistake twice.

I might try again, but not Sigur Rs, he said. Id go with something simple like the Cocteau Twins. I think Ive learned my lesson.

 

The post Sigur Rs Karaoke Massive Flop at Office Party
appeared first on...

15:05

Behind the scenes story of this University Challenge cock-up is more exciting than the real thing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It was the University Challenge semi-final last night between Newcastle University and Merton College, Oxford.

Halfway through there was a perfectly innocent looking music round in which Newcastle bagged all three bonuses.

Except the reality was rather more dramatic, as documented by this audience member on Twitter. This could be the most exciting thing weve never seen on University Challenge.

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15:00

Hotel California to review check-out policy in light of Tripadvisor ratings "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heartbreak Hotel just down the road 'a better bet'A popular Californian hotel has admitted that serious administrative oversights may have contributed to an onslaught of damning feedback on travel website, Tripadvisor.com.

We are heartened to see such positive comments about our flexible check-out timings, with many remarking that the Hotel California is ideal for solo or business travel, said Head of PR, Eddie Frey. But taking into account the volume of issues that have been raised about slow room service, the quality of the continental breakfast and involuntary infinite captivity, weve decided to make some changes if were to stay competitive with the local Ramada Inn.

The advent of social media has given a voice to disgruntled guests, many of whom have been enforced residents in the hotel lobby for several decades. Its one thing to physically prevent us from leaving, reads one two-star review, but they could at least offer us a few comps from the bar. I asked the barman for a Campari a few years back. He told me they hadnt had that spirit there since 1969. And there were no sodding nuts.

Whilst unconfirmed reports suggested that some guests were complaining merely to qualify for their first Tripadvisor reviewer badge, local law enforcement declined to comment on whether they would be investigating what some claim is a mass hostage situation in matching bathrobes.

But several guests expressed their satisfaction with their eternal imprisonment, citing the cleanliness of the bathroom and receptionists cleavage as aspects they would recommend to a friend although a handful of reviewers were concerned that this doesnt count as a spare room, right?

14:32

This womans guide to watching movies went viral because its how we all spend our evenings now "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This guide to watching movies went viral because it chimed with so many people and reminded them that, really, the on-demand era isnt all its cracked up to be.

The radio and TV presenters 5-point guide clearly struck a chord. And not just with us, it turned out.

...

14:02

Turns out there was more to that Morrisons story than meets the pie "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

No doubt youll have seen the story about the couple who were furious that Morrisons wouldnt serve them a pie before 9am.

Jolly good tale it was too.

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13:31

People are sharing stories of how big a loser they were in school and it will take you right back "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It started when Buzzfeed journalist David Mack decided to share how big a loser he was in school.

And he decided to find out if other people had similar stories to tell.

And just in case they needed any more encouragement, he decided to share some more.

13:04

Private Eye has the last word on those Syria airstrikes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres what Donald Trump had to say after the US, UK and France bombed Syria at the weekend.

And heres the cover of the new issue of Private Eye, out now.

Nailed it.

Source

The post Private Eye has the last word on those Syria airstrikes appeared first on The Poke.

13:00

Boris Johnson found guilty of not being Boris Johnson "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A man who has been passing himself off as a bumbling politician for the past twenty years is today starting a three year prison sentence after having been convicted of multiple instances of deception.

Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, never went to Oxford or Eton it has been revealed. Hes not even Boris Johnson but is in fact a brickies labourer called Reg Clark, who says he honed his Boris Johnson character while playing the buffoon in an Edwardian farce for his local amateur dramatics society. He further perfected the portly persona with a daily diet of six Big Macs and milkshakes, and putting his suit on in the dark every morning.

Mr Clark was almost rumbled a few years ago while posing as Mayor of London, but was saved by a character reference from Jeffrey Archer. He claims to have put his past behind him, although he does hope to be out before they pick a new Archbishop of Canterbury.

11:38

This thread starts sad but all will be forgiven by its glorious conclusion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It began when a chap had the unfortunate task of alerting people about a dead pet.

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And the phrase like that but cat took on a whole new life of its own. Unlike the cat, sadly.

11:14

NT Hoping Southern Lefties Too Caught Up On Splendour To Notice Them Fracking Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Fracking is set to resume in the Northern Territory, following the Governments decision to lift a moratorium but enforce strict new laws and regulations on the industry while all of these soap dodging lefties down South try to decide if they are happy enough with the 2018 Splendour line up. Chief Minister []

The post NT Hoping Southern Lefties Too Caught Up On Splendour To Notice Them Fracking Again appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:13

A Tory MEP said this about the Windrush scandal and these are the only 8 responses you need "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres what Conservative MEP Daniel Hannan had to say about the whole Windrush affair, the scandal which even the Daily Mail thought was outrageous.

And here are the only 8 replies you need.

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10:57

You can probably see where this is going "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The old ones are still the best. Well, sometimes.

Source

The post You can probably see where this is going appeared first on The Poke.

09:45

Undercover author finds Chronicle newsroom workers peed in bottles under harsh deadlines and threats of violence "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Comedy writers work long hours without bathroom breaks at chronicle.su

Rushed Chronicle staff reportedly pee into bottles as theyre afraid of time-wasting because the toilets are far away and they fear getting into trouble for taking long breaks.

  • An undercover author told Vice that workers at a chronicle.su truth fulfillment center peed in bottles because they were scared the long trip to the outhouse would cause them to miss targets.
  • The author, James Galloway, found that staff members feared being disciplined for missing deadlines.
  • A separate survey of Internet Chronicle writers released Monday found that some workers who reported feeling sick from prolonged polonium exposure said they were penalized for taking breaks to throw up outdoors.
  • Internet Chronicle said it didnt recognize the allegations as an accurate portrayal of its forced labor sweat house working conditions.

Chronicle founder R.T. Sakers may be the worlds most dangerous thrillionaire, with a net worth of about 150 billion bitcoins, but at least some of those working in his newsrooms are apparently so desperate to keep their jobs that they dont even take time to use an outhouse, located a convenient 450 yards away, down a beaten path into the holler.

The author James Galloway went undercover at an Internet Chronicle sweat house in Cuthbert, Ga., for a book on stagnant wages in Lebal Drocer subsidiaries. He found that the sweat houses main reporters, who toil over unlabeled mechanical keyboards typing truth for the idiot masses, had a toilet bottle system in place because the bathrooms were too sparse to get to quickly.

...

09:38

Greens Announce Two New Policies Legalising Marijuana And I Cant Remember The Other One "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

richard di natale cannabis

Greens leader Richard Di Natale says his party will push to legalise cannabis and implement another policy that he cant remember the details of right now.

Di Natale said the change in law was long overdue and that he would like two large pizzas and a garlic bread please. The reason why this law is so important is hang on, make that three pizzas.

He said there wasnt any time to waste. Well look to change the law regarding cannabis usage straight away. Or tomorrow. Definitely by next month.

Actually, I cant arsed. All that work drafting a bill, and then negotiating everything, and then selling it to the public. F**k that

09:26

The Saga of Mark Zuckerberg and the Booster Cushion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

During his Congressional testimony, Zuckerberg was perched on a booster cushion to, well, give him a boost. In the long hours of testimony he became very attached to the booster cushion, so much so that when his testimony was over, he refused to s...

08:50

Deadshit Little Cousin Given Bottom-Rung Job Of Showing Wedding Guests Where To Park "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local shithead, Riley Paterson (15) has been given the most out-of-the-way job possible at his cousin Megs wedding this afternoon. After making quite a scene about refusing to wear dress trousers, and somehow knocking over a table of rented glassware Riley has been sent down to the oval next to the church, []

The post Deadshit Little Cousin Given Bottom-Rung Job Of Showing Wedding Guests Where To Park appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:41

Our favourite 5 responses to todays Daily Mail front page "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres todays Daily Mail front page addressing the governments outrageous treatment of the Windrush generation of British residents, and our favourite 5 responses.

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08:11

Womans apocalyptic visit to a public loo goes viral "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve all been out and about when weve suddenly needed to use the loo, right?

And its not always been straightforward finding one. Fortunately for all of us, its never been quite as hellish as this. At least, we hope not.

Heres how a woman called Nicole told her story on Facebook. In 10 movements.

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06:57

Bunnings Employee Powers Through 5th Nah Mate, Im Fine And Gives Unwanted Opinion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Looks like youre building a bathroom? asked Banjo Clemente. Miles Hanlon, a grown adult, looked up to see the fresh-faced Bunnings storeperson looking back at him. Yeah, mate, he said. Banjo smiled and began the first assault on Mr Hanlons personal space. Well, have you considered what youre going to be doing to []

The post Bunnings Employee Powers Through 5th Nah Mate, Im Fine And Gives Unwanted Opinion appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:47

The American Judge From The Voice Appears On Stage With Beyonce Knowles At Coachella "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The American pop singer known as Beyonc has made history as the first black woman to headline Coachella in a performance that included a surprise appearance from her husband, sister and other close friends. Namely, one of the judges from The Voice Australia, who has been apparently been friends with Beyonc Knowles for []

The post The American Judge From The Voice Appears On Stage With Beyonce Knowles At Coachella appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:33

Abbott Calls On Santa ScoMo To Give Everyone Coal This Christmas Budget "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Former (despite what Peta Credlin says) Prime Minister Tony Abbott has called on the Treasurer Scott Morrison to deliver coal to every Australian this year as part of his Christmas themed budget.

In the past coal has been traditionally associated with naughty boys and girls but I think we can all agree that times are a changing and coal is a good thing, said Mr Abbott. I mean without coal you would have no Coalitition.

When reached for comment the Treasurer didnt rule out Mr Abbotts calls saying: I wont say a bad word about coal in fact Im quite fond of coal myself. But I do take issue with being called Santa, I dont like it and I hate Christmas. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

What an awful time of year. We should be celebrating the real season of giving. Tax time. What a wonderful time of year that is, when the Government takes from the poor and gives to the rich.

Who cares about Santa and his elves what about the Australian Tax Office and their debt collectors?

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can check out our new show ...

03:24

Senator Di Natale Getting Everything Ready For 20th Of April "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Youth Culture | CONTACT Leader of The Greens Richard Di Natale did not appear his confident, charming self as he spoke to reporters today, appearing to fidget and twiddle his thumbs. Ive just been trying to make sure we can clear our schedule in a couple days. Ive been making sure theres nothing I need []

The post Senator Di Natale Getting Everything Ready For 20th Of April appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:08

NRL Says Controversial Opinions Dont Matter If You Can Score Tries And Keep Out Of Jail "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Prefacing his statement, NRL CEO Todd Greenberg started by outlining that the highest point-scorer in the games history has never had a beer to celebrate that. He said that it was a sport often plagued by scandal, criminal activity and many things worse. But above all, the game of rugby []

The post NRL Says Controversial Opinions Dont Matter If You Can Score Tries And Keep Out Of Jail appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Former Labour Leader wins Right to be Forgotten case "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A former Labour Party leader has won a High Court injunction for the right to be forgotten against internet giant, Google. The man, who cannot been named due to reporting restrictions, wanted search results about him eating a bacon sandwich completely removed from the search engine.

The judge ruled in the mans favour today commenting, Nobody should have to see that clip ever again. A separate claim made by another former Labour leader who had committed a more serious crime, namely invading Iraq was rejected by the court.

The former leader, who won his case, was humiliated eight years ago of conspiring to to look like a man of the people but ending up look a total arse. He was sentenced to a lifetime of humiliation on YouTube and Channel 4s I remember the 2000s programme.  The other leader who lost his case, was never convicted of war crimes but has spent over a decade being ridiculed by impressionists Jon Culshaw and Rory Bremner. Both men had asked Google to remove search results about their previous actions, stating that they were no longer relevant.

A spokesman for Google said: We agree that these men are no longer relevant adding, but did you see that guy eating the bacon sandwich? before bursting into a fit of giggles. A spokesman for Ask Jeeves said, Who the hell is Ed Miliband?

00:37

Peta Credlin Diagnosed As Suffering Delusions Of Relevance "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Sky News host Peta Credlin has been diagnosed as suffering from delusions of relevance following her appearance on The Bolt Report where she claimed to have spoken to the Minister for the Environment and Energy Josh Frydenburg over his criticisms of former Prime Minister Tony Abbott. Credlin assured The Bolt Report viewer that these attacks would not happen again, a claim denied by Minister Frydenburg.

We see that often when someone goes from being a person in a powerful position to being forced out due to incompetence that they revert to a sense of denial, said Psychologist Ian Shrink. In the case of Peta Credlin she is dealing with her grief over her loss of power with a sense of exaggeration and a false bravado.

I mean thinking that in her role as a Sky News host that she speaks for people or let alone anyone actually watches is a cause for concern.

When reached for comment over the diagnosis Peta Credlin said: You dont know me and neither does this psychologist. I am not delusional my show has 10s of viewers and I led the greatest Government ever, the Abbott Government.

Ask anyone how great Tony was as Prime Minister, go on ask Eric Abetz or Kevin Andrews theyll tell you.

Mark Williamson
www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

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Monday, 16 April

22:25

"Woody Woodpecker" Goes Straight to DVD, Shockingly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Recently, film buffs were taken with surprise to see DVD ads for the 2017 film Woody Woodpecker. It is quite clear from the preview that we are dealing with a cinematic masterpiece. The film delivers a powerful environmental message as the titular bi...

20:22

Man Makes Excellent Point on Neighborhood ListServ "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

During a not-so-neighborly discussion on their neighborhood listserv, Ken Campbell of Red River, Tennessee, made an excellent point in response to people's complaints about certain residents' hyper-political listserv posts. Why do you read them i...

18:51

Someone found this in the government advice for British residents it is deporting to Jamaica "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The government has put together a helpful document for British residents it is deporting to Jamaica.

Its called Coming home to Jamaica and this is how it starts.

This guide has been put together through the collaboration of several dedicated Jamaican charities and non-governmental organisations with the support of the British High Commission in Kingston and the Ministry of National Security. The guide also compliments the Coming Home to Jamaica DVD.

We hope that you find it useful as you prepare for your return to Jamaica and re-settle back on this beautiful, diverse island!

But this is the bit that went viral because, well, see for yourself.

18:37

David Lammys Windrush speech went viral because it was so devastating "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Labour MP David Lammys attack on the governments treatment of the Windrush generation has gone viral because it was so devastating.

The government has apologised after many immigrants who arrived from the Commonwealth decades ago as children have been told they are here illegally.

Lammy, the Labour MP for Tottenham, said it was a national day of shame for the government and said prime minister and former Home Secretary Theresa May was to blame for a climate of far-right rhetoric.

(via)

(via)

18:23

Outside Ant McPartlins car crash court hearing, an entirely appropriate thing happened on live TV "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

We now go live to our reporter outside Ant McPartlins car crash court hearing where the star was fined 86,000 and banned from driving for 20 months.

Wasnt Dec in the car was it?

Car crash TV.

Source

The post Outside Ant McPartlins car crash court hearing, an entirely appropriate thing happened on live TV appeared first on The Poke.

17:40

Stop Kink Shaming Me and Start Regular Shaming Me Because Thats My Kink "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

With poser-ass S&M bullshit like 50 Shades of Grey and the word cuck infiltrating the mainstream culture like never before you would think that kink shaming would be a thing of the past. I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.

Everywhere I go I am shamed for my lifestyle. Whether Im wearing my slave collar at a Papa Johns, a mesh body stocking at the library, or simply enjoying a coffee in my Yes Daddy t- shirt, I am the subject of scoff and ridicule by vanilla heteronormative onlookers, and frankly, Im sick of it. Listen up closed-minded people: Its 2018. Stop shaming me for my kinky lifestyle and start shaming me just sort of in general, because thats the kind of freaky ass shit Im into!

Dont you dare try to tell me I shouldnt be out in public because of the provocative things I wear. Tell me I shouldnt be out in public because Im worthless! Oh yeah, tell, me Im nothing, spit on me, come on daddy do it! Tell me what a pathetic worm I am!

Related: 10 Sex Robots Everyone Keeps Telling Me Are Just Regular Robots

 

Would you believe that I have been kicked out of bars in my own town under threat of violence simply because of the lifestyle I represent? Its wrong! These men should not want to beat me simply because my lifestyle is different then theirs. They should want to beat me because I would be a fully willing and eager recipient of said beating! Throw me to the ground and take turns kicking me, anything goes! And they should throw lit cigarette butts at me too. But only because Im worthless!

Its very simple. Do not insult and attack me because I represent something that goes against your personal value system. Insult and attack me because you are a superior masculin bull and you want to show my wife what a real man can do.

Look, what I choose to do behind closed doors is my business. And what I choose to do on a city bus is your business. And if you dont like it, dont be shy. Really let me have it! I have been very, very bad and i deserve to be punished.

Our kink is watching you put ON our t-shirts:

16:36

Someone spotted an unfortunate design fail on this book cover "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Over on Twitter Georgina Lee spotted an unfortunate design fail which she suggested could have been avoided if only a woman had been involved.

Can you spot it?

The replies might help.

...

16:10

Someone found the first meme and its 98 years old "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someones found the first meme and it turns out its from 1921.

Its from something called Judge magazine, comparing how you think you look like when a photo is taken, to what you really look like.

So just like any number of those expectation vs reality gags which, if put end to end, would stretch from here to Mars.

And people were busy updating it, like this.

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16:00

BMWs to come with disabled parking sticker pre-installed "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BMW has announced that as BMW drivers are going to park in disabled parking spaces anyway, theyre going to simplify the system by pre-printing a disabled parking badge into the windscreen. A spokesman explained that Some parking enforcement officers are still giving tickets to drivers in disabled spaces even though the BMW logo is clearly visible. To make things even clearer, were adding the pre-printed badge.

Other new innovations include arrogant cruise control that will now allow Sales Reps to automatically cut in from the outside lane at the last minute when approaching motorway lane closures and road layouts where two lanes merge into one.

The new 7 series features the much anticipated automatic park across two spaces feature. This is really excellent!, enthused 7 series owner, Sales Director Gavin Snorker, when Im in town from the country place, I can let the car do the parking and its spot on exactly over the line between spaces, I have to admit I struggle to get that manually.

 

15:30

Punk Unsure Which Green Day Records Hes Allowed to Like "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BERKELEY, Calif. Local punk Tom Reynolds is still unsure which Green Day albums hes allowed to enjoy publicly while still maintaining his punk cred, despite years of independent research, sources confirm.

My friend Annie said once they went political, they totally sold out, but that everything up to and including  Insomniac is all good, Reynolds recalled. But this older punk dude said hes only down with Minnesota Girl which Id never even heard of before he went on a Crimpshrine tangent for like, 25 minutes. It felt like the longest bus ride of my entire life.

Various punks chimed in with differing opinions.

Its not that fucking hard 39/Smooth, Kerplunk!, and thats it, said aging punk Sarita Patel. Anything after they signed to Reprise is straight garbage. Even Dookie.

Meanwhile, self-described scene legend Chad Chernak only confused Reynolds even further. Ska covers of American Idiot are the only acceptable incarnation of Green Day, he allegedly claimed.

Ultimately, Reynolds consulted an expert for an official verdict.

Heres the thing: if youre OK with the first two records, you gotta allow everything up to Nimrod. A lot of those songs were written pre-Dookie anyway, said amateur Green Day historian Adam Lefler, drawing on nearly 30 years of research. Haushinka is from like 91 or something, for example.

Related:

Then you get these pretentious, supposed purists who claim to hate Idiot, but its just like all the other records so why wouldnt you like it? an increasingly agitated Lefler added. Plus, 21st was all rip-offs of Warning anyway, so thats obviously gonna get a pass. I dont know. Its not like they put out Ratitude or something. Give them a fucking break.

Unfortunately, the one final, definitive opinion Reynolds received only ga...

15:30

This was never going to end well for Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain (and it didnt) "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres former Great British Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain taking to Twitter to ask for a bit of advice.

We know what she means were pretty sure everyone knows what she means but it didnt stop lots of people making the same joke. With some style, it has to be said

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14:59

Spike Milligan would have been 100 today and here are 13 favourite things people are sharing on Twitter "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Spike Milligan would have been 100 today and people are sharing memories of the late, great man on Twitter.

Here are 13 of our favourites.

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14:06

David Baddiel posted this picture of his son and a whole load of parents shared similar moments "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

When David Baddiel posted this picture of his son he had no idea what was about to happen.

To say it struck a chord with parents everywhere may be an understatement.

Here are our 17 favourite replies.

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13:00

UK Government unveils new British Nuclear Winter Time "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The UK Government has announced plans for a new statutory time scale to be known as British Nuclear Winter Time (NWT) in the event of a catastrophic escalation of political and military tensions in the Middle East.

Given Russia, the US, the UK and France all account for around 99% of all known nuclear warheads, the new time scale would reflect the realities of the unprecedented challenges we face, the spokesperson said. Unlike British Summer Time or Greenwich Mean Time, Nuclear Winter Time will not actually move in the conventional sense of time. Rather, clocks set to NWT will simply stop at a suitably ominous hour, and remain there for at least 80 years.

While denying accusations that the Government was panicking, the gravely pale spokesperson confirmed that the necessary Parliamentary legislation would become law by tomorrow.

12:04

Tempers Boil Over In Chermside Coles During Argument Over Neil Finn Joining Fleetwood "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LEROY PERCIVAL | Music | CONTACT Tempers have flared up today at North Brisbanes Chermside Shopping Centre, after two men reportedly got into a heated argument over Neil Finns announcement that hes joined Fleetwood Mac. Peter Green, 28, and Jeremy Spencer, 35, were in the dairy aisle at Woolworths when Jeremy made a negative remark about Peters Crowded []

The post Tempers Boil Over In Chermside Coles During Argument Over Neil Finn Joining Fleetwood appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

11:37

Newspaper letter of the day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Is won by this chap in the Times.

Could be worse you could do the maths and it turns out you were never actually born.

Source

The post Newspaper letter of the day appeared first on The Poke.

11:15

Twitter exchange of the day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

And the winner is Peter Crouch and this bloke, after the footballer congratulated Manchester City on winning the Premier League.

Bravo to all involved.

11:00

Conservatives and Lib Dems unmasked in sham marriage clampdown "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A Church of England crackdown on sham marriages has raised fundamental questions about the union of David Cameron and Nick Clegg who were married in a civil ceremony in May last year.

Unfortunately there will always be unscrupulous couples out there who are prepared to abuse the office of political matrimony and enter into a coalition based on a lie, said Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury. I fear that what we have here is nothing more than a marriage of convenience perpetrated to stop either party being removed from power in the UK.

A Church of England investigation suggests that in the last year alone as many as 306 Tory MPs and 57 Lib Dem MPs have been implicated in an organised sham marriage racket. People forget that what looks like an act of deception committed by two people is often the work of criminal gangs involved in far more sinister activities like massive public sector cuts and the extortion of crippling amounts of money from students.

New guidelines for vicars on spotting sham marriages suggest that the Cameron-Clegg ceremony ought to have set alarm bells ringing from the start. In hindsight, it is clear that the couple barely knew each other and that the families on both sides looked pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing indeed the Maid of Honour, Vince Cable, looked visibly frightened at what he was being asked to do. But it can be very difficult for vicars when one or even both parties to the marriage are willing to jump into bed with almost anyone to gain a modicum of social standing.

Journalist Nick Robinson, who was present at the garden party reception at No.10, now admits that the couples specially adapted vows were the biggest giveaway. The vicar asked, Do you, David William Donald Cameron, promise to use the financial crisis as an opportunity to push through your ideological belief in a smaller state which helps the rich and punishes the poor? He then asked, And do you, Nicholas William Peter Clegg, promise to let him do it? Nick Clegg said, I do, which at least is a promise he appears to have kept.

But supporters of the coalition argue that Cameron and Clegg have much in common and are very happily married. They have very similar backgrounds, and when you see the two of them together theres no denying the bromance. Critics remain unconvinced, however. You know its not a proper marriage when they cant even find anything to disagree about.

simonjmr

10:52

Every time a player throws a dart, the dog does this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A chap called Paul Bronks shared this video on Twitter and people love him for it.

Love it!

Source

The post Every time a player throws a dart, the dog does this appeared first on The Poke.

10:29

When youre a huge Doctor Who fan but youre too busy on your phone to notice this "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This is very funny and a tiny bit tough on this Doctor Who fan, as posted by Georgia Tennant on Twitter.

Yes that is Georgias husband David Tennant the 10th Doctor under the baseball cap. You know that, we know that, but does he know that?

Except, well, now the Doctor Who fan has found out and hes taken it remarkably well, frankly.

09:49

Man orders 'black' coffee and is arrested for being a racist "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hoping for a quick caffeine boost before heading off to work, a US/Italian man in Philadelphia, ordered a 'black' coffee at a well known, downtown coffee bar and was promptly arrested! Actually, it was not him whom the cops came to arrest. Unfortu...

09:48

Wetherspoons is giving up Twitter so lets remember the day this happened "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

JD Wetherspoons has announced its closing down all of its Twitter, Facebook and other social media accounts so what better way to make the occasion than remembering when this happened?

Perri Nicole was just an ordinary young woman wanting to get a free drink from thirsty men on the internet.

First she announced her location and the table number so people can buy her drinks using the Wetherspoons app.

https://twitter.com/perrigame/status/962804870737727488

Then nothing happened

Then drinks started coming

So many drinks

HUGE AMOUNTS OF DRINKS INCLUDING MILK?!

An hour later, so much booze

09:29

Wetherspoons is giving up social media so this will always be their greatest moment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

JD Wetherspoon has announced it is closing down its Twitter, Instagram and Facebook accounts for all its 900 pubs and head office with immediate effect.

The pub chain said it was going against conventional wisdom that these platforms are a vital component of a successful business and said it was becoming increasingly obvious that people spend too much time on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

And not enough time in the pub, they forgot to add.

So it looks like this will always be their greatest moment on Twitter.

READ MORE

This woman asked for strangers to send her free drinks using the Wetherspoons app and what happened next will make you proud to be British

The post Wetherspoons is giving up social media so this will always be their greatest moment appeared first on The Poke.

09:23

Closing Ceremony: Peter Beattie Unreservedly Apologises To All 43 Attendees "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

gold coast closing ceremony

Commonwealth Games Chairman Peter Beattie has spoken to each of the eighteen families who attended last nights closing ceremony, apologising for the sub-standard event.

The attendees included forty-two sponsors and a guy named Robert.

I spoke to Robert today, Mr Beattie confirmed. I thanked him for coming to the ceremony, in particular the first twenty minutes before he left.

The closing ceremony was beamed to a potential global television audience of 1.5 billion and an actual television audience of 583.

By Daniel Brewster

09:18

PT Sniggers At Conflicting Advice Offered By Clients Dietician, Physiotherapist And GP "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local personal trainer has today confirmed that he is happy to offer his clients a raft of advice on a number of topics on which he is wildly unqualified on. The employee, and Cert IV qualified personal trainer at Legends Gym in Betoota Flightpath District told The Advocate []

The post PT Sniggers At Conflicting Advice Offered By Clients Dietician, Physiotherapist And GP appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

08:13

Jacob Rees-Mogg gave up being anti-immigration for a day and his followers response was gold "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Jacob Rees-Mogg put aside his anti-immigration views for one day only! when he shared an editorial written by his father on the 50th anniversary of Enoch Powells infamous Rivers of Blood speech.

His father, William Rees-Mogg, wrote in the Times that the speech was shameful disgraceful [and] calculated to inflame hatred between the races.

Such views came as a bit of a shock to the Tory MPs followers on Twitter. Heres just a flavour, as highlighted by @jimmfelton on Twitter.

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07:27

Local Film-Based Photographer Stares Down Nose At The DSLR Peasants "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Theres just no artistry in digital photography, he said. Its so vapid and disposable. Technology is the greatest killer of creativity, you must confine yourself limit your palate and make it a fight, Thats where the best art comes from. Youd be forgiven for thinking that perhaps Ernest Pinochet-Kong has inhaled too []

The post Local Film-Based Photographer Stares Down Nose At The DSLR Peasants appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:02

Filipino Neighbours Still Havent Cracked Open The Couches "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Filipino-Australian family in Betootas Hot Bread District have yet to find a celebration big enough to sit down on the good couches. Even after several engagements, a marriage and several grandkids in their family, Rosamie and Arvin Torres (59, 58) still havent invited anyone into the plastic-coated living room in their []

The post Filipino Neighbours Still Havent Cracked Open The Couches appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:53

Dutton Spotted At Brisbane Airport Keeping Count Of Departing African Athletes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Minister of Home Affairs Peter Dutton has spent the last five hours at the departure gate of Brisbane international, signing off African Commonwealth Games athletes. This comes after the hysteria surrounding news that up to eight Cameroonian nationals had disappeared from athletes village, in an attempt to avoid returning home. Dutton says that []

The post Dutton Spotted At Brisbane Airport Keeping Count Of Departing African Athletes appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:30

Im Not Out For Revenge Says Abbott In An Attempt To Mislead Public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The former Prime Minister has told reporters today in the bush capital that hes not out to depose Malcolm Turnbull as leader. Tony Abbott, who famously lost the job to the more popular merchant banker in 2015, made the statement with his left hand cocked behind his back with []

The post Im Not Out For Revenge Says Abbott In An Attempt To Mislead Public appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:57

UberData Service Now Delivering Emails To People With NBN "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

 LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT A new service has been rolled out by delivery giant Uber this week. Uber will now be delivering emails and other important data to customers of the Australian governments NBN service, using print-outs, CDRs and DVDrs for those wanting to watch Netflix. The groundbreaking service, called UberData, will be easily accessed []

The post UberData Service Now Delivering Emails To People With NBN appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:13

Overseas Audiences Sickened As Closing Ceremony Pays Homage To The Australian Bush Doof "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Comm Games closing ceremony pays homage to the great Australian Bush Doof The 2018 Commonwealth Games went out in spectacular fashion this evening, with the official closing ceremony paying homage to the rich Australian bush doof culture. In an awe-inspiring aural and visual display, athletes from around the world were invited into the []

The post Overseas Audiences Sickened As Closing Ceremony Pays Homage To The Australian Bush Doof appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

As new leader resigns, UKIP to try a leadership system of unelected bureaucrats "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

UKIPs new leader, Gerard Batten, has taken a firm and decisive grip over the party that has seen more changes than Jo Marneys views on people a different skin colour to her, by announcing his resignation. This move has led the party to make the decision to move to a different system of leadership, one that relies on unelected bureaucrats to keep things going while everyone else has a go at winning leadership contests and stepping down.

Ill be giving up the leadership, scandal permitting, in one year, Mr Batten said, but not before I put the running of the party into the hands of some overpaid pen-pushers. Im not sure how itll go down, but we in UKIP are known for embracing change.

The overall response has been fairly positive, with one supporter saying: I dont know why we didnt think about this before. With all the politics around each of the different branches of the party, it kinda makes sense to have a few unelected people at the top making all the decisions. Sounds like the perfect model of governance if you ask me.

Not everyone in the party is so keen. One group has splintered off to create the UK Independence Party Independence Party. UKIPIPs leader explained that the appointment of unelected bureaucrats was only one of a myriad of issues they would be campaigning against. Being part of a party with many branches is troubling to us, he said. For example, we had someone join our Essex branch from the Doncaster branch. Dont get me wrong, some of my best friends are northerners, but there are just too many in Essex. Weve been pulled into ever-closer union when originally we only joined to be part of a free racism trading area.

Despite the splinter group, Mr Batten remained optimistic while acknowledging fears within the ranks. He explained, I know some people struggle when we do what is right for the party, as opposed to what is far-right, but they can rest assured that this decision is politically correct, before realising, Ah, maybe thats the problem.

James Pluside

00:27

Commonwealth Games Athletes From Melbourne Seek Asylum On The Gold Coast "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Officials from the Australian Commonwealth Games team have confirmed that 25 athletes from Melbourne have gone missing from the games village and are believed to be seeking asylum on the Gold Coast.

Please dont send me back home, I cant face another winter of cold blowy weather, said shot putter Perce Bluestone from a secret hiding place somewhere in Surfers Paradise. The baristas here all serve you with a smile and dont give a hoot if you want to put a couple of spoonfuls of sugar in with your flat white.

I came up here once before for schoolies but we were kept securely behind a chain link fence and there was no hope of escape, said netballer Faye Hookturn. For the first time in my life my vitamin D levels are up within the normal range. You have no idea how liberating it feels to not have to go around pretending to like indie bands and squishy wine bars.

Queensland immigration officials say that although the missing athletes may find sanctuary within the expatriate Victorian community it should be relatively easy to find them again.

Well be on the lookout for sunbathers with tell tale red burn marks on their skin, said Queensland Border Force...

00:19

Hard Drive History: The Unknown Story Behind Luigis Mansion "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Hard Drive Historys debut episode takes a deep dive into the story behind the hit GameCube game Luigis Mansion and its rocky start as Marios Sex Party.

Video by Peter Kemme @pjkemme

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on Facebook to keep up.

The post Hard Drive History: The Unknown Story Behind Luigis Mansion
appeared first on The Hard Times.

00:07

Alex Jones Crybaby Tears disgust audience! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fans agree: Alex Jones has gone down the wrong path in life

INTERNET Psychiatrist to Alex Jones, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, announced that Alex Jones pot habit has turned the Alternative Talk Radio Host into what he described as an emotional child.

He used to be sharp eyed for all the inconsistencies in 9/11, but nowadays he has to kiss the Saudis feet and thank them for it.

Everyones seen Alex Jones smoking weed on Joe Rogan, and behind that there is certainly a deeper, even hardcore addiction. The marijuana has him feeling so sympathetic to the Syrian Gasser. Well, whatever one believes, crying like that on air is a total buzzkill, man.

Internet Chronicle infiltrators in the InfoWars staff say that Alex Jones is not being allowed to speak out about everything he knows, and might have been threatened recently by the Deep State, or even replaced with a simulation. I dont know why hes crying like this, but its embarrassing everyone. Its not him.

Something really is up with him, said Prenter Huddleston, audio intern, And it aint just the pot. It aint just the government taking his kids cause hes doped up all the goddamn time. Its the Russians and the Americans, working together to take over the world. Hes guilty for bringing about the New World Order. He knows that Syria is a fake war designed to drive refugee immigration. He knows that ultimately these missile exercises are just so that American forces, combined with Russians, will achieve global nuclear superiority. And for the first time in his life, he cant say the truth. All he can do is cry. Its ruining Alex. He used to be sharp eyed for all the inconsistencies in 9/11, but nowadays he has to kiss the Saudis feet and thank them for it.

Tactical Strategist Ian Krank confirmed the leaks, telling reporters, My God, My God. We have the US engaging in offensive exercises, warning Russians ahead of time, and we are supposed to believe that this is all because of chemical weapons? That these weapons can have any kind of meaningful impact? If there were chemical weapons it was surely the Americans and the Russians working together to stage them, so they can keep testing. It has nothing to do with Syria at all.

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Sunday, 15 April

20:41

Meet the Woke 17-Year-Old Punk Who Walks out of School Everyday "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

While adults are busy arguing on Facebook or getting their daily propaganda from Fox News, one high school junior is taking an active role to stand up against injustice. For Derrick Brown, everyday is cause for protest, which is why this amazing young activist walks out of school every single day.

No matter what the issue of the day Russias involvement in election tampering, Congress trying to regulate a womans reproductive rights, or Trump playing loose with the Twitter terms of service, Brown walks out of his school.

Brown has no problem bravely standing up to protest everything the man tries to force him to do. They wanted me to learn about the Louisiana purchase or whatever, and I was like, nah, he said about his brave stance and major blow to Americas system of land theft and colonization.

Look out Che Guevara, here comes Derrick Brown!

Related: High School Is Nothing Like American Pie Except Tom Delonge Is There for Some Reason

 

Even when Brown is in school, hes actively subverting the system by the most effective means available to a 17 year old in a private school. Whether hes referencing a lyric from an Anti-Flag song about globalization or referencing a lyric from an Anti-Flag song about the military, Brown is always disrupting the firehose of propaganda aimed at him and his fellow students.

Brown waits until after shop class because he wants to see firsthand the damage Americas war machine has caused. According to Brown, Our teacher Mr. Snead was in Vietnam and he tells all these crazy stories, and half the time we dont do our projects. Im pretty sure he killed people.

You must learn everything about an oppressive system if you seek to dismantle it. Thats a direct quote of our interpretation of Browns intentions. Wow, what an inspiration!

And to add another layer of activism, Brown spends most of his time off campus smoking cigarettes in a complete fuck you to the laws of the land.

In addition to his great work, Brown maintains his humility. I wouldnt say my work is great, he told the Hard Times white sitting in the school parking lot for 6 hours. But I can say Im doing more to subvert the system than any blogger.

Visit our digital merch table:

20:40

Nikki Haley Warns UN Additional U.S. Bombs Ready Should Any More Trump Allegations Surface "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

New York, NYAmbassador Nikki Haley minced no words to the United Nations on Monday, as thats her bosss job. She did warn the 193-member General Assembly that the U.S. is prepared for a second wave of bombing raids on Syrian targets. She said, To be clear, the United States is prepared to take unilateral action should the

18:08

Man Drops Thousands of Dollars on Vast Collection of Long, White Boxes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

SAGINAW, Mich. Local collector, Travis ODonnell, achieved a personal milestone at Devastator Comics yesterday after spending his ten thousandth dollar on his collection of long, white boxes.

The achievement largely went unnoticed by other shop goers who were all busy leafing through the weeks newest releases to also add to their own collection of boxes that sit in the various floors of their home.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

I wish he would have said something, said Miles Treborn, owner and proprietor of Devastator Comics. He comes in every week and we make small talk about what comics he is excited to store in his box, figuring out if he should move them from his bedroom to the attic. Just normal shop talk.

ODonnells collection has grown so large that hes had to move on to a new collection to support his current one: storage spaces.

I pretty sure Ill break five figures in storage fees within two years. Thats really exciting for me, ODonnell said.  Then one day in fifty years when I am dead, maybe my collection will be disappointingly looked through by the guys on Storage Wars.

Article by Bobby D. Lux @BobbyDLux

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on Facebook to keep up.

The post...

16:58

Stormy says three-legged donkey involved "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Stormy Daniels has revealed Donald Trump brought a donkey to her Las Vegas hotel room 10 years ago for a fun threesome. "Man that was one ugly ass, and the critter didn't look too good neither 'coz he was missing one leg ya'll". Daniels continued, "Y...

15:30

Telephone Pole Wanted Flyer Stapled to Local Bassist "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

NEW HAVEN, Conn. Members of the street team for City Councilwoman Lynn Fernandez stapled a flyer yesterday with the heading Telephone Pole Wanted to the back of local bassist Eric Emberley, witnesses confirmed.

It stings a bit, but I understand the logic, Emberley, of the garage-punk outfit The Redundos, said. Bands looking for new members will sometimes stick flyers on nearby telephone poles why wouldnt it work the other way around? I honestly dont know where telephone poles even come from, but finding a drummer who isnt a total flake isnt exactly easy, either.

Fernandez defended her controversial, albeit groundbreaking, decision at a press conference.

These are tough economic times, and the city needs telephone poles. Its just easier if we can get the telephone poles to come to us. I have to do whats best for the great city of New Haven, said Fernandez. My flyering campaign went all over our fair city. Bassists, drummers even people who just give lessons, all had my flyer stapled to them.

When asked why Emberley was specifically chosen, Fernandez replied, Well, for one, he doesnt drive, which means lots of sidewalk foot traffic, which, in turn, means the ad gets seen by more possible telephone poles. Plus, like a lot of musicians, it seemed like he could use the tetanus shot.

Related:

The flyer, affixed to Emberleys shoulder, reads as follows:

WANTED: Telephone pole for local grassy patch of land. Influences should include mailbox, park bench, and bike rack [early stuff, mostly]. OWN WIRES A PLUS BUT BY NO MEANS REQUIRED. Sorry, no trees.

So far, the dubious tactic has been largely unsuccessful, with only a scant few of the flyers contact info tabs taken. Mostly by me scratching it against stuff to try and get it off, Emberley bemoaned.

However, Councilwoman Fernandez remains optimistic that telephone poles will soon be calling.

If this works the way I hope it does, I know exactly how the city will get those extra coffeehouse bulletin boar...

13:00

Driverless cars not obnoxious enough, says BMW "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The German car manufacturer admits it will be hard to design their automated vehicles to be as arrogant and ill-mannered as their flesh and blood drivers have always been.

Were hesitant about launching a driverless car that might treat other road users with consideration and courtesy, admits board member Hans Fesch. Theres a very real danger of damaging the brand.

The companys customers have also admitted theyd be reluctant to let their cars self-drive systems take over if theyre going to drive like wimps, slowing down to let Fords and Toyotas out at junctions, as one of them put it.

Software engineers at the BMW laboratory have been trying to build the required levels of arrogance and smugness into their robotic software, but without much success. We feel there are certain elements of the human spirit that no computer can reproduce, says technician Robert Krenz.Just look at your everyday BMW driver, charging up the bus lane at 60mph while bellowing orders into his mobile to a terrified secretary back at the office how do you write a program to match that?

11:00

Nick Clegg launches sinister dating site: Salmond, Farage or Me "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

the British public finally has a choice of dirty partnerIn attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4s The Undateables. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the moderate filling, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNPs Alex Salmond and UKIPs Nigel Farage.

Those online, looking for love, can flick through photos and profiles of the three leaders in order to make their stomach-churning choice. One divorcee complained: Like most dating websites the choice seems to be between a potential serial killer, a foot fetishist or a closest homosexual. The trouble is, I cant tell which is which?

Some critics have suggested that Mr. Clegg is coming across as overly-keen, almost stalkerish, with his offer. A Lib Dem spokeswoman explained: Being the lesser of various evils is something to be proud of. After all, thats the criteria on which most of us chose a husband.

A spokesman for the Deputy Prime Minister attempted to reassure voters who were apprehensive about online dating: Nicks your typical guy. Hes a Capricorn, he likes long walks in the country and hes got his own sex dungeon. Hes just looking for some no-strings attached proportional voting and hell happy swing with any political party that takes his fancy. But note to Ed Miliband no time wasters please.

11:00

Review of Eddie Izzards Parliamental "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In front of a packed audience at the Shaftesbury Theatre in the west end we got our first glimpse of Parliamental; a concept realised by newly elected Labour NEC member Eddie Izzard to bring all the pizazz and drama of the House of Commons to the stage.

Set in a scaled-down mock-up of the House of Commons we were treated to a warts-and-all Westminster parody, underpinned by the writers attempt to stimulate interest in pressing social issues and overturn the popular perception of parliamentary politics as being nothing more than a posh Punch and Judy show.

Izzard positively effervesced as The Speaker, enhancing the traditional House role with a variety of unconstitutional costumes and betraying a little of the meandering mirth minstrel from his stand-up act, breaking the fourth wall with pithy political observation and rib-tickling translations. Along with a cast of characters of the likes of: Cobra, Chief Whip and Black Rod, this drama was never going to be a laidback affair.

The performance spanned three acts with each act pivoting around an increasingly contentious issue. Act one began tentatively with a convivial discussion about bicycle-lane subsidies. There was a lovely moment early on when a Tory MP, played by Simon Kettle wished, to clarify the governments position to which a Labour MP, played by Lydia Jones riposted, The minister couldnt clarify butter.

Act two and MPs expenses were on the table, soon the sedate debate escalated into a full-blown showdown with Tory cabinet minister, Nigel Ashby, removing his jacket and challenging Lib Dem, Edward Makepeace, Would the Member for Poppycock Central care to take the matter outside?

By act three It wasnt all popularity and jocularity, after Labour MP, portrayed by the sublime Anthony Sodbury, serenely rose and begged, Might the House unite for a moment to reflect on the passing of the Right Honourable Member for Cheams beloved Aston Martin? A truly touching sentiment that brought a lump to throats and a rapturous Hear, hear from an informed and emotionally engaged audience.

In Parliamental, Eddie Izzard appears to have found a vehicle to express his knowledge of the great British democratic process and his love of the great British barmpot. Its experimental, its irreverential, its sentimental, but above all its Parliamental, and will be touring the provinces soon. It may well float your vote but I doubt itll give everyone an election.

10:43

Paul Kelly Has Always Been 50-ish "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A recent report by ARIA had found that Paul Kelly has never been younger than 50 years old, with generations of Australians only able to remember him as a gentle patriarchal lyricist approaching senior life. The iconic singer-songwriter and pioneer of  Ausploitation storytelling has always been in his 50s, even while those around him aged []

The post Paul Kelly Has Always Been 50-ish appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

09:58

12 things we learned about the RAF on its 100th anniversary "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Royal Air Force was formed in April 1918. Here are some things weve discovered from a rash of books published to celebrate its anniversary

1. RAF pilots flying over hostile parts of the North West Territories (now part of Pakistan) at the end of World War I were sometimes captured by local militia who would castrate the pilot and then (literally) mail his testicles to the RAF headquarters in London, demanding a ransom payment in return for (wounded and emasculated) body. As a result, RAF pilots flying over hostile territory were issued with goolie chits tickets which downed pilots could present to kidnappers, so that they might get a ransom payment, but keep their manhood intact.

2. German-speaking servicemen were highly sought after by the RAF during World War II. Some German-born British Jews who spoke fluent German were taken on bombing raids to Germany, tasked with tapping into enemy radio signals and announcing, in perfect, officer-class German, return to base now!

3. An RAF base in Hampshire, RAF Odiham, was opened in October 1937. In an act of ecumenical goodwill which now seems utterly insane, the guest of honour who opened the base was the Luftwaffes Chief of Staff, Erhard Milch.

4. The Royal Air Force was initially a union of the airborne sectors of the British Army and the Royal Navy. Before its formation in April 1918, trained pilots from the army and navy would continue to wear their own regimental uniform while flying planes, be they infantry, cavalry, sappers, artillery, or even Highlanders in kilts. Soldiers from the cavalry regiments had to be forbidden from wearing their spurs, as these would frequently rip the linen canvas which formed the body of most early planes.

5. When the Royal Air Force received their first uniforms using a Wedgewood-blue cloth designed by A.W. Hainsworth of Yorkshire many servicemen were horrified, regarding its baby-blue shade as rather effeminate and emasculating. No one was ever going to wear that musical comedy outfit, said one pilot. Designed by a woman, and it looks it! The new blue was grudgingly accepted over time.

6. In July 1940, near the start of the Battle of Britain, BBC radio correspondent Charles Gardner excitedly reported live on a dogfight between RAF Hurricanes and more than 40 Luftwaffe aircraft over the English Channel. Gardner triumphantly reported that a German Messerschmidt had been shot down and a German pilot had been spotted bailing out and landing in the sea. It was actually an RAF loss, and the man bailing out was RAF officer Michael Mudie, who died of his injuries the following day. Gardner was later criticised by the BBC and War Office for the tone of his broadcast, which sounded more like a football commentary.

The post...

09:42

11 responses to this Manic Street Preachers picture to make your day better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Manic Street Preachers have got a new album out and we hope you feel as excited about it as they obviously are.

The picture inspired no end of responses online, so here are 11 of our favourites.

1.

2.

3.

4.

...

09:25

As Donald Trump says mission accomplished, 8 responses to the bombing of Syria "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Donald Trump declared mission accomplished after the UK and France joined the US to bomb chemical weapons facilities in Syria.

Here are 8 responses to the targeted airstrikes.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

...

09:17

Mate Organises Birthday Dinner At Local Hogs Breath Like Its 1999 Or Something "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact After 18-months of fly-in fly-out work in the WA mining scene, Nathan Broadbridge (29) has shown his friends just how much the lifestyle hasnt changed him by organising his birthday dinner at their local Hogs Breath. While there are multiple venues he could have selected, such as gastro pubs, restaurants and even RSL []

The post Mate Organises Birthday Dinner At Local Hogs Breath Like Its 1999 Or Something appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

07:22

Optus Launches New Optus White Service "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

optus white

Telecommunications provider Optus has launched a new premium service called Optus White, a special offering available exclusively to customers of Anglo Saxon origin.

The service will offer a faster service for Anglo Saxon customers, with free extra data available for streaming re-runs of Friends and Dawsons Creek.

The new service will become available in Neutral Bay before being rolled out nationally.

_________________________

By Terry Beuler

03:55

Trump Denies Wag The Dog Premise After Launching Operation: Look A Squirrel! "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerThe west is a little shocked that the pile of rubble called Syria didnt really notice last nights charge of the Coalition of the Vaguely Interested. Who knew the Middle East could be so complicated? Meanwhile, on the resistance front, Rachel Maddow made some news of her own over on MSNBC. While the bombing

03:44

Local Type-1 Diabetic Makes It Very Clear That He Doesnt Have Type-2 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local tradesman with a largely inconvenient auto-immune condition has made it clear to some new friends last night that he was born with Type-1 diabetes and that he feels a mild superiority over those with the Type-2 variety. Darcy Carmichael, of Longview Road in Betoota Heights, []

The post Local Type-1 Diabetic Makes It Very Clear That He Doesnt Have Type-2 appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Government to Erect Statue of Burglar "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A brave burglar, who heroically died while merely trying to provide the latest electronic equipment for his family, is to have a statue erected in his honour. His relatives were pushing for sainthood and a burial in Westminster Abbey but are still pleased with the government recognition.

He was pretty much the best man that ever lived said one relative. Certainly he was one of the better burglars I ever knew well, until last week I guess. A Peace Garden is also to be created in the street where he tragically died so that the local police force can come and pay a daily tribute.

The local Police Chief said that Many people in the community misunderstand our role. But let me perfectly clear. When beautiful tributes are made to a hard-working and prolific burglar, its our job to make sure no-one disrupts that. Usually we wouldnt get involved in a burglary case if our lives depended it on it its case closed, thanks for coming, heres you crime reference number for the insurance and change yer locks. But in this case we felt deliberately obstructing the burglar was a step too far in todays Britain.

Meanwhile the florists in the area have also paid tribute to the man, who they say is responsible for the greatest upswing in business since Princess Diana. She was the peoples princess and this guy was the peoples burglar. Well, at least he was a burglar of many peoples. Wed like to thank him anyway, and the flower-stomping vigilantes as well whove made this all possible.

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Saturday, 14 April

19:23

Man Anxiously Waiting for HQ Trivia to Start So He Can Type TRUMP in Chat "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Larry Pullman, 37, is anticipating this afternoons HQ Trivia game in which he plans to type TRUMP in the group chat.

Playing as DeplorableLarry_1_4_79, Pullman eagerly awaits the mobile trivia games daily live sessions in hopes of sharing his pro-Trump values with the games audience that averages nearly a million players daily.

Yeah, you can pretty much set your watch by it, said his wife Patricia. Sure as the Vols are gonna shit the bed against Bama every October, Larrys gonna get on that game and speak his mind.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet: Co-Worker Mysteriously Has to Poop Every Day at 3 p.m.

No I wasnt watching that anti-American NFL garbage, he said. But sadly everyone I knew was, so there I was at home trying to find something to do, and I found this live trivia game that also lets me call things like I see them. You can win money and express your love for our President, all at the same time!

Over 2 million players were logged on to the HQ Trivia app for the halftime episode. Realizing this, Pullman seized the opportunity to proclaim his political ideology and began repeatedly typing TRUMP in the moments leading up to the games start. Since then it has become a part of his daily routine.

I really think Im making a difference, says Pullman. Everyone keeps typing SAVAGE into chat after I share my views. Fuckin A right its SAVAGE; were taking this country back and making America great again!

Pullmans wife has still not accepted his invitation to download HQ Trivia to give him an extra life, stating that she refuses to support handouts in any form.

Article by Adam Martin @somesoma

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on Facebook to keep up.

The post...

18:30

Coachella Goer Just Kinda Assumed Mac DeMarco Would Be There "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

INDIO, Calif. Coachella goer and indie rock fan Joseph Murs was disappointed to learn yesterday that Canadian musician Mac DeMarco was somehow not scheduled to play Coachella 2018, multiple eyewitnesses report.

I mean, its pretty safe to assume hed be here you cant blame me for not knowing this, Murs said, lighting a cigarette as he studied the festivals schedule. This is one of the largest gatherings of stoned, white college kids in the entire nation, and hes not gonna play? What the fuck?

What really pisses me off is that Mac played here in 2015 while I was trying to find Arctic Monkeys. I guess Ill never learn, Murs added, looking off into the distance. I brought my cassette of Salad Days so he could autograph it, but I traded it for a bottle of Gatorade and a shirt I think somebody threw up on.

When reached for comment, Goldenvoice CEO Paul Tollett was similarly taken aback.

[DeMarco] isnt playing? Tollett said, grabbing a poster on his desk to double check. The booking guys just kinda send me the poster, and Im supposed to approve it and I swear, I read through it, but, like nobody reads the small font names. I guess I just assumed he was in there. Wait, who let Benjamin Booker play this year?

Related:

Despite the unfortunate oversight, others who planned to see DeMarco play Coachella werent as upset by his omission.

Im mostly here to try to drop acid with San Holo backstage anyway, and theyve got Mild High Club, which is close enough, said Ana Chaudhary, fidgeting with her This Old Dog pin. Besides, I dont know how long Im gonna last here, if Im being honest. I only have enough cash to buy four $12 waters, and some vegan nachos, maybe. Well see.

When asked about choosing to not play the festival, DeMarco simply responded, Whats Coachella?

The post Coachella Goer Just Kinda Assumed Mac DeMarco Would Be...

16:01

Harvard to Offer New Major in Pirating and Plundering "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Harvard University announced that it will be offering a new major next fall in Pirating and Plundering. Harvard is always looking to provide our students with the essential life skills they need to succeed in the real world, said Walter Vanderbe...

15:38

Honey, Say Hello to the Boutique Overdrive Pedal Thats Gonna Save Our Marriage "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Remember what you said about us needing more transparency? Well I just added about $350 of it, plus tax. Seriously, babe, when I kick this pedal on, its like its not even on I mean I can feel its on, but thats it. Its that good.

I wouldnt worry about the financial hit. In fact, its more of an opportunity when you think about it. First off, you said we were in a rough patch but this thing has so many inputs we can use any patch you like! Plus, and I dont mean to speculate too much here, but I seriously doubt well be paying for that useless marriage counselor much longer.

This is about so much more than me following my tonal dreams. Its about us following my tonal dreams. And I absolutely include our twin daughters in that statement. I want them to know how sweet a true vintage germanium diode can sound when driving with the right tube amp. I dont think I should settle for the butchered circuitry you see on the shelves at Guitar Center these days. Do you think the girls should have to settle for less in their lives? I sure dont.

Related: Mandela Effect: My Wife Says She Doesnt Remember Ever Loving Me

 

That said, I will admit that you were right when you said Ive been selfish with the band lately. And youre right. I have been hogging way too much of the equalization band, particularly the lower mid-range but that all changes now. This thing is hand-wired to basically act like a preamp, so I can leave it on and its gonna create a frequency range that creates space for everyone to be heard. Just like you asked for.

I think this pedal is really gonna reignite things in the bedroom for us, too. This thing sounds great even when I play it whisper quiet, so now you wont even have to kick me out when I practice while youre trying to sleep! Not that youre gonna want to sleep when you hear these cristal clear tones. This is gonna be great!

Hard Times merch also fixes marriages. Or destroys them. I forget which one:

15:30

Man with Raunchy Band T-Shirt Almost Brave Enough to Wear It in Public "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CHICAGO Local man Tom Bencin, who recently spent $35 on a Pussyslaughter T-shirt that reads #1 PUSSY MURDERER in giant letters, has not yet summoned the courage to wear the shirt outside the house, sources close to the coward confirmed.

Yo, Pussyslaughter is one of my favorite bands, and I wanted to support those dudes. I thought the shirt about murdering pussy was hilarious, so I snatched it, said Bencin. It hasnt gotten into my normal rotation yet, but thats only because its been so cold. I, like dont want to cover it up with a jacket, or whatever.

However, those closest to Bencin believe he is simply too scared to wear the shirt due to its offensive language.

Tom was super jazzed about the shirt the night he bought it, said roommate Mark Hernandez. He showed it to me immediately; Im pretty sure he even slept in it that night. But other than that night, I havent seen the shirt and between you and me, I am not complaining. The shirt sucks, and that band sucks.

Bencins downstairs neighbor Melissa Torres thought she may have seen Bencin in the shirt one morning, but couldnt say for sure.

Related:

I said hi to Tom when we were both in the lobby one morning, and I think I caught a glimpse of the word pussy on his shirt but once he saw me, he ran back to his apartment. He left his mailbox open, too, said Torres. I know the back of the shirt read, Women: 0 Pussyslaughter: 666, so if thats the same shirt, then, yeah. I saw him in the lobby with it.

I did wear the shirt while watching a UFC pay-per-view at my apartment, said Bencin. And people even complimented me on it. But when they all went out drinking after, I stayed back because you you know, it was getting late, or whatever.

At press time, it was unclear whether or not Bencin would wear the shirt when the band returns to Chicago on their next tour.

 

The post...

13:00

Cabinet gripped by bunker mentality "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Following Russias threat of retaliation for the allies bombing in Syria, fierce arguments have broken out within Theresa Mays Cabinet.

Reports of pushing, shoving and name-calling have leaked out as each member tried to secure their place in the secret Underground Bunker should Russia attack the UK

In the past many Ministers have questioned Boris Johnsons personal Hygiene as a valid reason for excluding him and by association, his brother. No one wants to be locked up in a steel Box with the Johnsons when they start to drool and sweat, one Minister said.

With the Royal Familys Aircraft ever ready to leg it to Canada at a moments notice, its just the fate of the great, the good and the very wealthy we have to worry about, the great unwashed British public will have to fend for themselves, said another high-ranking Tory

Unconfirmed reports tell of Michael Gove shouting, Im a fisherman, Im important, before being kicked in the testicles by Amber Rudd.

Meanwhile Jeremy Hunt has remembered that he actually owns the bunker as part of his undisclosed property portfolio, so has bagged first dibs on a place.

11:00

West achieves victory in war on bees "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

mission accomplishedCynics scoffed and said that it would go the same way as the War on Terror and the War on Drugs, two more scourges of mankind that were too ubiquitous to fight properly. Yet as of today, when the last remaining honey bee was humanely destroyed in a laboratory in Cambridge, humankind has finally triumphed over one of its most ruthless and cynical adversaries.

At last after thousands of years, we can finally look forward to picnics no longer being disrupted by these furry jam-crazed psychopaths with their slightly irritating humming noise, said Professor Norman Jensen of the Insect Research Unit at the universitys Department of Zoology.

After years of trials, scientists working in cross-national teams from Europe and America finally managed to infiltrate bee terrorist cells and cause them to collapse gradually from 2006 onwards. This was largely thanks to new techniques of warfare based on the neonicotinoid class of pesticides, which caused many militant bees to get lost on the way home to their hives. The first confirmation that this strategy might be working came in the summer of 2008, when a threatened wave of suicide assaults on people eating ice cream on Blackpool beach failed to materialise.

Some, meanwhile, have accused the politicians and scientists of arrogance in assuming that they alone have brought about the victory. In the US, there have been calls for the Congressional Medal of Honour to be awarded to the humble varroa mite, which is said to deserve much of the credit for bravely attaching itself to the bees receptors and causing their wings to deform. Millions of the heroic mites have died in the process.

Ill admit to a grudging respect for bees, said Jensen. They actually funded their campaign of terror by getting us to pay for their mucus and use it as a sweetener, the conniving little bastards. But now, no more peering nervously into the bushes! No more waving our arms about in a comically uncoordinated way whenever they blunder past an open kitchen door! Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last.

10:23

This womans daughter started talking to the plughole and this happened "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This mum got the fear when her 3-year-old daughter started talking to the plughole. Worse, the kid started addressing it as Georgie.

Now, were not suggesting the woman called Bri has spent too long watching horror films, but this happened.

Its more hideous than we could ever have imagined.

...

10:07

Tracey Thorn was furious with this album review but some people just didnt get why "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres singer songwriter Tracey Thorn you might know her as one half of Everything But The Girl who wasnt entirely happy with a review of her new album.

Nothing to do with what they said about the music, though.

We can imagine why that would be so frustrating. And yet some people, they just didnt get it.

This person for instance.

And this.

And this.

09:46

Billboard of the day "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Easily done.

To be filed under too good to check.

Source

The post Billboard of the day appeared first on The Poke.

09:33

Peppas right face, Peppas left face, Peppas front face? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

To be filed under once seen, never unseen, someones taken what Peppa Pig looks like from the left, and the right, and worked out what the childrens porcine favourite looks like front on.

Once more in high definition! Sort of

Source

The post Peppas right face, Peppas left face, Peppas front face? appeared first on The Poke.

07:20

Family Lunch Pauses To Hear Single, Childless Freak Try And Justify Lifestyle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Peeling himself off his bedsheets this morning in his un-airconditioned sharehouse bedroom, a largely unpopular 28-year-old sighed as he remembers the family lunch pencilled in for today. Stacey Porter, who says he vaguely recalls going out last night but cant be certain where, did he best to wash the previous nights filth off []

The post Family Lunch Pauses To Hear Single, Childless Freak Try And Justify Lifestyle appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:31

Former Ringers In The Big Smoke Start Swapping Yarns From Up North "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact What was it like working for Kidman? Ive heard their staff turnover and retention rates are pretty bad, asked Oscar Pooley, who says he works in agribusiness. It wasnt that bad. The Channel Country stations had that problem because theyre so isolated from everywhere. Youd go mad working down []

The post Former Ringers In The Big Smoke Start Swapping Yarns From Up North appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

05:02

Report: Work Dishwasher Functions Much Better If Plates Are Filthy And Stocked Horribly "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A recent survey carried out by Australias leading workplace hygiene body, Clean By Force (CBF) revealed that 95% of workplace dishwashers actually conduct a more thorough clean of its contents if the water flow and distribution are disrupted. Gerard Finish, hygiene expert at CBF, excitedly announced the findings of his 5 year-long study and revealed []

The post Report: Work Dishwasher Functions Much Better If Plates Are Filthy And Stocked Horribly appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

WW3 Pencilled in for this weekend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Brits have been advised not to plan too many activities this weekend as World War Three is tentatively scheduled to break out at some stage. The Met Office issued a warning that WW3 is likely to bring considerably more disruption to travel than last months Beast from the East.

Even though it sounds bad, its hoped that WW3 wont actually be as bad as WW2. For a start, theres no Adolf Hitler or any Nazis involved so thats a bonus, said one analyst seeking the positives. And London probably wont be bombed for weeks on end by thousands of planes either. In fact it will probably only be bombed just the once albeit by a powerful Russian thermonuclear warhead but stillno blitz!

Disappointed Liverpudlian Pete Henderson said he it was bloody typical and hoped it would all be over by the time of the Reds Champions League semi-final. I hope it wont distract the lads too much. I think Jurgen needs to make sure they put World War Three out of their minds and just concentrate on the next game.

Meanwhile betting agency William Hill is facing a massive pay-out on thousands of bets placed for Donald Trump to cause WW3. A spoke-person said we took in a lot of money on that one and thought we might get away with it for a while there. But no looks like the Great Orange One has come through for the punters.

00:15

Comey Wakes Up To Find Horse's Head In His Bed. "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BILLINGSGATE POST: The scene opens with James Comeys wife waking up and poking him on the shoulder, James, I think we have company in our bed. Go back to sleep honey. You must be dreaming. James, theres a f**king horses head nex...

Friday, 13 April

18:50

Republicans Are From Mars, Liberals Are From Salinas "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

My blogvesary recently asked me, why cant we just discuss the issues? He then implied that Im not really good at it. Theres a good reason we cant just do that. In fact, Ive been trying to convey whats happening and why for a very long time. If we have one party severed from our key issues, or credible media

17:30

NewsBiscuits handy guide to Grand National runners and riders "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Total Carnage Has featured every year and seems certain to be in the frame again. 8/1F

Glue Factory Boy Likely to finish again, but not necessarily this month, due to losing both hind legs at Cheltenham. 66/1

Vultures Circling Hoping to do better than last year, when he fell on the way out of the paddock. 66/1

Novichok Flyer The first ever Russian entry, it will take a lot of nerve to back this one. 100/1

Trump the Tweeter Bound to stand out, with his alarmingly yellow mane and orange hide. Has no experience over hurdles but claims to know more about getting around this course than anyone. 25/1

Brexit Unicorn Promised much but has yet to deliver. Should be humanely destroyed. 1,000/1

Dumpfishinthethames A highly publicised runner out of the Farage stable, his name actually has more characters than permitted but now we dont have to worry about those silly EU rules affecting our national sport any more. 12/1

Bontemps des Oireaux Last chance for him this year, since horses with poncey French names will be automatically disqualified after March 2019. 14/1

Ginger Harry His mare was Di in the Sky and what a mare she was. Hard to call, since it is unclear if his sire was Organic Prince or Major James. 12/1

Meghan is Great Hugely backed by the tabloids this year. 9/1

Theonewithawomanjockey Cute Bryony Frost should get a good ride here. AND from the horse. Eh? Eh? Oh, please yourselves. 16/1

Meghan is a Slag The race probably comes a bit too early for her this year, but just watch her go next year. 20/1

Calmdowncalmdown A local favourite, would have gone off favourite last year if he had not been found with his knees removed and on bricks the night before. 12/1

Oscars Girl A fine South African filly and certain to be beautifully turned out, but has never previously got past Valentines. 50/1

Jeremys Protest Surprisingly durable old stayer, amazed observers by coming second at 250/1 in last years General Election Hurdle but surely past his best now. 33/1

Strong and Stable No, she isnt. 100/1

WestminsterLibDem No information available on this one and most analysts have never heard of him. 500/1

Break a Leg Has been hiding in the wings for a while, this will be his stage debut. 50/1

French Fille...

17:28

Mark Zuckerberg Testifies to Congress that He Has No Real Friends Other than Facebook Friends "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In an uncomfortable and often highly contentious session with Congress this past week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg finally admitted that he has no real friends, other than his friends on the social media site that he founded. Honestly, it's wh...

16:18

QLD Police: Rolling A Smoke While Driving OK If Confident You Can Drive With Your Knees "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | Traffic | CONTACT For the past 10-15 years, the QLD government have spent millions on advertising campaigns trying to promote safer driving. However, in a progressive move by police, they have today announced a loop hole; people caught dart-driving wont face charges if they can demonstrate that they can confidently drive with their knees. Constable []

The post QLD Police: Rolling A Smoke While Driving OK If Confident You Can Drive With Your Knees appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

16:16

Aging Anime Fan Needs Viagra to Maintain Nosebleeds "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

BERKELEY, Calif. Middle-aged anime fan Nick Klempf has accepted that at this point in his life, he no longer can produce nosebleeds without the help of his Viagra, according to sources close to him.

When I first got married, I never had this issue. Just the thought of my wife Laurie would make my nose gush out like the Niagra Falls of blood, Klempf told reporters. Then one day, I was shocked to learn I could not make my nose bleed. I wanted to satisfy my wife in the bedroom.

Nothing kills ones sex life like a dry nose. The embarrassment would cause red markings on my cheeks and my pupils to turn white. I had completely lost my confidence, Klempf explained.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

Klempfs wife, Laurie Cole, told reporters that originally took this problem very personally, thinking Nick was losing his attraction towards her.

I would yell as all these lines projected from my face. I would leaning forward with a vein popping out of my head and jaw stretching out then give him a slap, Cole said. I have grown to understand it was not my fault.

After talking to a doctor, Klempf was told that this is not an isolated incident in the aging anime fan community; it is more common to receive fewer nosebleeds as anime fans reach their 40s.

Ever since I started taking Viagra, Ive found my love life has not only come back, but has become better than ever. I now hemorrhage blood all over Laurie every night like all of the characters I look up to in my favorite shows, Klempf...

16:09

Man Rejects Mark Zuckerberg Facebook 'Friend Request' "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There was further drama in the Facebook - Cambridge Analytica - Mark Zuckerberg controversy this evening, when a writer on satirical news website TheSpoof.com received a 'Friend Request' from the aforementioned Zuckerberg - and rejected it. The wr...

16:00

Alan Pardew to tackle knife crime "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The Home Secretary has said that only one man has the credentials to turn around rising violence and Tory fortunes, but unfortunately Sam Allardyce was already in post. Therefore Amber Rudd has naturally turned her attention to Alan Pardew, the brains behind taking the fight out of West Bromwich Albion.

A spokeswoman for Pardew said that he welcomed the new challenge: Alan is expecting a positive bounce in gun-related deaths. Normally 36 points would be enough to secure Premiership survival, although Im not sure what survival rates are like after 36 stab wounds?

Said the spokeswoman: Alan has the necessary experience. West Ham, Southampton and Crystal Palace they were all murder. Alan is not afraid to confront the unsavoury face crime; hes worked with Mike Ashley.

In anticipation of Pardew weaving his normal magic, she went on to say: Wed like to thank Alan for his efforts but well be mutually parting company, before hes even started. On reflection, the Home Secretary is desperate but shes not that desperate.

15:52

Turnbull Declares A Month Of Mourning In ACT In Response To Academy Nightclub Closing "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TRACEY BENDINGER | The Berra | CONTACT In a press conference on parliament hill, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has today announced that the nations capital territory must mourn for 30 days out of respect for the passing of its most iconic landmark, Academy. For the past 15 years the nightclub has been a staple in the routine of weeknight []

The post Turnbull Declares A Month Of Mourning In ACT In Response To Academy Nightclub Closing appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:39

Holidayer Who Never Wants To Leave Thailand Shouldve Packed Heroin In Her Carry-On "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Local Betoota Girl, Sally Washington (22), has been in Thailand for approximately 39hrs and has tonight revealed to her Instagram followers a deep desire to permanently stay in the unitary state at the centre of the Southeast Asian Indochinese peninsula OMG! I never want to leave! Sally yelled over the pumping calypso-house music at a well-known []

The post Holidayer Who Never Wants To Leave Thailand Shouldve Packed Heroin In Her Carry-On appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

15:30

Swarms of Bees Head to Coachella to Pollinate Thousands of Flower Crowns "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

INDIO, Calif. Swarms of honeybees began their annual trek to the Coachella music festival early Friday morning to pollinate thousands of flower crowns worn by attendees, terrified sources confirmed.

During a foraging flight, bees can visit upwards of 100 flowers, spreading pollen to each one, local beekeeper Elizabeth Howard explained. Pollination helps the plants reproduce which may explain the sudden boom of flower crowns you see here in Coachella Valley every spring. Im not sure whats up with all the neon body paint and glitter, though.

The festival, as famous for its fashion as for its musical performances, is anticipating crowds of over 125,000 people over two weekends, providing no shortage of flower crowns to be ravaged. Festival organizers, aware of the impending bee swarms, have considered multiple safety precautions to prevent injuries.

Those colorful flower crowns have become synonymous with our festival aesthetic, so we couldnt exactly ban them, Coachella organizer Maureen Jordan said. We were considering releasing predatory wasps as a pre-emptive remedy, but realized that would just bring a whole other set of problems that, honestly, Im just not even trying to deal with.

As it turns out, bees are mostly harmless and will only sting if provoked anyway, she added. But if attendees are that concerned for their safety, they can forego the crown and just use those Snapchat filters instead.

Related:

One bee, seen camping out in the side mirror of a nearby car since Wednesday, was reportedly resting up in preparation for the big weekend.

It used to be just one weekend, and even then, it was pretty exhausting checking out all those flower crowns, the bee said, relaxing on a merch table. Theres just no way you can be everywhere at once. So, yeah, theres stuff you miss, which is a bummer but these flowers arent very common where Im from. The variety is nice.

The bee confirmed most swarms are anticipating...

15:08

Motorist Flashes High Beams To Inform Others Of Fucking Copper Dogs Around The Bend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It had just past 8:00pm as Jarrod Moreton flew around the bend on the Diamantina Hill road, not in a particular hurry, he just liked to go fast. Unbeknownst to Jarrod, there was a police officer hiding just 2km ahead waiting to nab an innocent lead foot like himself. Just as Jarrod was getting []

The post Motorist Flashes High Beams To Inform Others Of Fucking Copper Dogs Around The Bend appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:54

New Nationals MP Mrs Joycefire Impresses Colleagues At Party Conference "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As The Nationals party begins to feel some sense of normality again, their party summit in Gundagai (aka Rock the Riverina) has been shaken by the arrival of boisterous new MP known only as Mrs Joycefire. During George Christensens Warren Truss impersonation, Mrs Joycefire stormed the stage, snatching the microphone, before proceeding []

The post New Nationals MP Mrs Joycefire Impresses Colleagues At Party Conference appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

14:50

11 times TV news channels got maps very, very wrong "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Fortunately for us a chap called Max Fisher is a connoisseur of hilariously wrong TV news maps and here are 11 of the best. Or the worst, if you see what we mean.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

...

14:00

End of an Era: The Last Remaining Toys R Us Kid Has Been Captured and Liquidated "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Say goodbye to your childhoods, kiddos! In light of the recent news that Toys R Us stores across the country will be shutting their doors for good, the last remaining Toys R Us kid has been captured and liquidated!

Sources report that 42-year-old Donny Dent, of Colorado Springs, Colorado, was captured early this morning by unnamed agents who are not at liberty to disclose their identity, or affiliation with Toys R Us, Inc. and any and all related subsidiaries.

I guess its a good thing he never wanted to grow up in the first place!

While we are not at liberty to report specifics at this time, we can confirm that the last remaining Toys R Us kid in America has been hunted, captured, returned to us and handled, thereby restoring the natural order, said a spokesperson for the company who declined to be named but is definitely not Geoffrey, as they insisted multiple times.

LOL, whatever you say!

The best part? Hes been hella marked down! If youre interested in purchasing the recently liquified puddle that was once Donny Dent, head on down to the Colorado Springs Toys R Us on Citadel North before it closes for good!

Article by Patrick Coyne and The Hard Times Staff.

The post End of an Era: The Last Remaining Toys R Us Kid Has Been Captured and Liquidated
appeared first on The Hard Times.

13:38

Half-Genuine Discussion Of Getting Bags Two Hours Ago Now Quite A Serious One "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

HARVEY GOBLIN | Narcotics | Contact Two happy-go-lucky local finance workers told themselves this afternoon that this weekend would be a quiet one. Dreams of lying beside the Betoota Heights Olympic Pool, pretending to read the latest Tim Winton, perhaps even a macadamia Weiss bar when the heat of the afternoon really kicked in. Timmy Doolan []

The post Half-Genuine Discussion Of Getting Bags Two Hours Ago Now Quite A Serious One appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:27

Working from home bingo full house, anyone? "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This will ring true with anyone whos worked from home for any length of time.

Well, some of it will ring true (were not here to assume. Or judge).

Makes you glad you have to leave the house to go to work, right? Anyone?

Source

The post Working from home bingo full house, anyone? appeared first on The Poke.

13:12

The feud between Andrew Neil and Owen Jones got personal "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Feud of the week is between BBC presenter Andrew Neil and Owen Jones after the Guardian columnist wrote this.

Jones said the former Sunday Times editor was symbolic of the right wing domination of the media and suggested a politics presenter as aligned to the left would not be tolerated.

The BBC News press team weighed in on Neils behalf with this sort of thing.

Even Jeremy Vine got a little bit excited.

And Neil got involved as well, by posting this.

...

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