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IndyWatch Satirical News Feed was generated at Community Resources IndyWatch.

Saturday, 19 May

20:43

The Guardians caption to this picture of two royal wedding guests was A++ "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

This could tip people already irritated by certain aspects of today right over the edge.

Nicely done by the Guardian.

Source

The post The Guardians caption to this picture of two royal wedding guests was A++ appeared first on The Poke.

20:31

Billy Idol said this about the royal wedding and everyone made the same joke "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Heres Billy Idol tweeting about the royal wedding today.

And heres the rest of the world telling him that he just missed the bleedin obvious. Staring him right in the face, seriously. How could he not have done it?

Theres another theory, of course, and thats the one that says hes just trolling us. Maybe these responses will help you make up your mind

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16:00

Scientists confirm Jacob Rees-Mogg result of botched time travel experiment "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Westminster is still in shock today after time travellers from Victorian England came to reclaim one of their contemporaries who has been missing since an early experiment went drastically wrong and left him stranded in 2018.

Two top-hatted men with mutton-chop sideburns walked into the Commons chamber and asked the bespectacled Brexiteer to come quietly, as the mad scientist in the 1860s laboratory has further work to carry out on him. Mr Rees-Mogg was then gently escorted through a rip in the space-time continuum as MPs discussed the pros and cons of a possible customs union.

The man formerly known as Jacob Rees-Mogg is now known to have been an undertaker and smelling-salt merchant whose real name was Ebenezer Ormondsby. He was active in the Victorian temperance and anti-vice movements before being catapulted 150 years into the future in a carelessly conducted experiment.

The time-travelling visitors apologised for any inconvenience caused by Mr Rees-Moggs sojourn in the 21st century. To be honest, his views were a bit extreme even for us, said one. He was rather too keen on giving Johnny Foreigner a good hiding at every opportunity and sending five-year-old boys up chimneys. They deny there are any other fugitives from from previous centuries lurking in British politics today, although it was noted that Boris Johnson hid in the members toilets until they had left.

15:30

Punk Car Shopper Doesnt Give a Fuck What J.D. Power & Associates Thinks "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

GLENDALE, Calif. Punk bassist and lifelong neer-do-well Sergio Vasquez made a startling revelation earlier today, admitting he truly doesnt give a fuck about J.D. Power and Associates customer satisfaction or safety recommendations, sources at Smithwood Ford confirmed.

You know what isnt punk? Comfort, safety, or executives in suits, said Vasquez, long-time bassist of ska-punk band Hammerhead Shart. I never wore a helmet or pads in my skating days, and Im not going to fall into a life of lame conformity now. I wear my scars and ever-worsening CTE like a badge of honor. So fuck that probably-racist J.D. White Power and his Wall Street cronies.

Smithwood Ford saleswoman Connie Breckhardt claimed she has never seen such reckless disregard for the global market research firm in her 16 years of selling cars.

I can think of literally no downside to at least considering the information in J.D. Power and Associates reports on the 1993 Ford Transit van he was looking at, said Breckhardt. But when I tried to explain this to Sergio, he literally plugged his ears and sang, Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac! over and over.

Related:

Were a Ford dealership, so maybe he was trying to be insulting? I dont know. But that lyric has been stuck in my goddamn head ever since, lamented Breckhardt.

Vasquez, allegedly considering the van in preparation for Hammerhead Sharts upcoming 9-show tour of SoCal and Arizona, is well-known for his contrarianism, according to bandmate Chrissy Paul.

Its like hes allergic to advice, said Paul. On our last tour, I used Yelp to find a taco stand with good reviews, and Sergio threw a shitfit and demanded we buy dinner from the guy grilling hot dogs on a shopping cart down by the highway on-ramp.

Management at Smithwood Ford admitted privately that they profited quite well from Vasquezs complete disregard for the Kelley Blue Book value of the vehicle he traded in.

Photo by order_242.

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14:25

26 favourite responses to that amazing preacher at the royal wedding, Michael Curry "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Prince Harry was great and Meghan Markle was amazing but, seriously, theres only one person anyones talking about after the royal wedding today.

This guy.

And here are our favourite 29 responses online to the amazing Bishop Michael Curry from Chicago.

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13:48

Unemployed London Man Marries Successful Hollywood Actress "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

royal wedding

In a fairytale love story that has captured hearts across the world, a retired army officer from England has married a popular American actress in a glamorous ceremony watched by millions.

Jobless, and with few career prospects, the 33 year-old London man said he met the high-profile celebrity through an acquaintance and was swept off his feet.

In a story that reads more like a movie script, the unlikely couple hit it off, with the young man introduced to the actresss friends and family.

Its every boys dream, he said, adding that he will not have to worry about work ever again.

13:11

Hollywood B-Lister Arrested At Heathrow "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A random American TV actor from a show you watched for a couple seasons a few years back has been arrested by UK Immigration after a melee in Heathrow airport this afternoon. The actor, who you only know by his character name has been held indefinitely while atheist crowns police assess his visa status. It []

The post Hollywood B-Lister Arrested At Heathrow appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

13:00

Virulent outbreak of Sycophantois has nations broadcasters in its grip "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

It is being reported that A&E Departments across the country have been overrun this morning as thousands of national and local broadcast journalists have been stricken with the terrifying condition, Sycophantosis.

One typical example is St Judes Infirmary in Norwich, where services have become so chronically overloaded with up to 100 local television and radio reporters waiting to be assessed and treated, that every available trolley has been used and there are still not enough so patients are lying on the floor.

Dr Ngobi Ntanga said: This is a rare condition that surfaces from time to time and is brought on by excessive sucking up to members of the Royal Family particularly when there is a wedding taking place. Symptoms include endless repetition of preposterous facile uncorroborated drivel and a total loss of any objectivity.

One poor chap from North Norfolk Digital is currently in our ICU repeating Prince HarryWow! Amazing incredible stupendous and Meghan-is-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world Meghan-is-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world, over and over and over again. Im afraid there is very little hope for him and hes just the first of many. Its all so sad.

Its understood that the condition is immune to all known antibiotics and its predicted that the epidemic will continue until the tabloid press starts digging up sufficient dirt on Meghan to demonise her just as soon as the honeymoon is finished.

12:15

Simply 43 funny tweets about the royal wedding "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres something going on in Windsor today and heres what people are saying about it online.

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12:06

Theres one woman people are talking about at the royal wedding and its not Meghan Markle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres only one woman people are talking about at the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

Thats right, its Victoria Beckham.

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Enjoy the wedding, Posh.

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11:00

New Total Paunch magazine a huge hit with men "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

for the man content not to have everythingThe magazine publishing industry has enjoyed a huge resurgence in sales following the launch of the latest health magazine for British men, Total Paunch.

The success has resulted in publishers Northern & Shell committing to higher print runs and wider distribution, especially in the Midlands and North East where figures have shown a substantial increase.

One avid reader, Phil Mevoid from Hull, said, I got sick of looking at handsome young guys with six packs smiling down from the shelves at W H Smith and getting nudged in the side by the missus. So I bought myself a copy of Paunch and I havent looked back. The features on low definition abs and ten steps towards guaranteed sex after ten pints of lager have literally changed my life and Ill be even happier after the divorce and the court case are over.

There has however been criticism from some health professionals who have slammed the magazine for articles such as, Save Pounds: Turn your belly fat into a kids trampoline and 18 Power foods from your local chippy.

Jeremy Hunt MP, Secretary of State for Health said, Magazines like this only serve to increase mens unhealthy preoccupation with their body image. Many of the images of models are airbrushed within a millimetre of death to make them look even less attractive than they are. It really is sending out the wrong message. I manage my own lean look with a fitness regime which includes running away as fast as I can from important health issues and spectres from my past.

But Northern & Shell boss Richard Desmond, who attended the star-studded launch of Paunch along with guest columnist Eric Pickles, said, We thought it was time we stood up for men who have got the body shapes theyve dedicated all their lives to, Total Paunch has put a bit more glitz on our newsstand and is a great tie in with our gay title, Attitude as it addresses the bear market too.

Rumours that the publishing group are to launch a new DIY title Builders Crack are as yet unconfirmed.

10:06

After the latest US school shooting, the only statistic you need to read today "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After 10 people were killed and another 10 wounded in a shooting at a Texas school, this newspaper front page would appear to say it all.

READ MORE

On a day of grim statistics, you might find this the most extraordinary

The post After the latest US school shooting, the only statistic you need to read today appeared first on The Poke.

08:58

Report: Fuck Up Grandson Comes Good "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After being caught with marijuana at seventeen, and being caught binge drinking several times since then, Prince Harry has finally come good and settled down with a nice girl only after being sent to war. Queen Elizabeth II is reportedly very relieved that her youngest little ranger grandson has done so well []

The post Report: Fuck Up Grandson Comes Good appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:58

Man With Super Mario Ringtone Still Waiting for First Phone Call "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

TAMPA, Fla. Local sources report that Brian Turner, 26, is still eagerly awaiting his first phone call since changing his ringtone to the iconic 8-bit Super Mario Brothers theme.

Im not sure if he wants to hear the song, or if he thinks that people will think hes cool, said one source familiar with the situation. Like, youre at a Burger King, dude, nobodys going to go Oh shit is that the Mario theme? and suddenly be your best friend.

Turner hopes that the ringtone, which currently has over 14 million downloads on Android phones, will help show off his unique personality and retro geek sensibilities.

I also set my email notification to the coin noise! Turner excitedly explained to a passerby he did not appear to know. And if I ever get a text message, it would play the warp pipe noise. Here, lemme see your phone, I want to call my phone so you can hear it.

Read More From Hard Drive: Mans Gamertag Says Pretty Much All You Need to Know About Him

The passerby, who refused to be identified as eating at a Burger King, described the interaction as weird and not interesting, and inquired why he didnt just text his friends if it was that important to him.

Turners friends were unable to be reached for comment, as they were all busy having lunch together at an entirely different Burger King. Witnesses report that Turner sat alone at his booth for over 30 minutes, occasionally checking to make sure his phone was not in airplane mode.

Maybe Ill just set an alarm, Turner continued, to himself. Nothing weird with an alarm at 3:43 pm, right? Or Ill just text my mother to call me, thatll work!

Unfortunately, while his mother did call approximately sixteen seconds later, Turners plans were foiled as his phone was set to vibrate, as most phones usually are.

At press time, a clip of Austin Powers saying Yeah, baby! was indicating that Turners mother had left him a voicemail.

The post Man With Super Mario Ringtone Still Waiting for First Phone Call appeared first on The Hard Times.

04:04

Christian Hens Night Kicks Up A Notch As Kimberly Gets A Spare "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time when Peta Washbrook regretted walking into the Betoota Heights Hillsong Church but those days are long, long gone. The 19-year-old said she didnt know what she wanted from life before she found Jesus. Now she just wants to be happy. And that happiness now []

The post Christian Hens Night Kicks Up A Notch As Kimberly Gets A Spare appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:22

Man Who Let His Learners License Expire Says The People Running The Country Are Hopeless "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local youth Taylor McGregor (25) penned a venomous Facebook status today stating this government is bloody hopeless while he made his way home on foot, as his learners license to expired over a year ago. With aspirations to one day get his provisional license and make a run at []

The post Man Who Let His Learners License Expire Says The People Running The Country Are Hopeless appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:20

One Night Stands Dog Looks Up At Local Man With A Vacant Look Of Disgust "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CORBIN DANIELS | Crime | Contact With his ponytail flapping playfully in the warm desert breeze last night, a mildly unpopular accountant threw caution to the wind and followed his friends from one suburban pub to a famous inner Betoota nitespot. Admitting to our reporter this morning on the D45 bus from the French Quarter up []

The post One Night Stands Dog Looks Up At Local Man With A Vacant Look Of Disgust appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:10

Local Girl Sets Self Apart On Tinder By Outlining How Much She Loves To Laugh And Travel "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT A local Betoota woman and citizen of the world has hit the Tinder jackpot this week after crafting a perfectly unique and alluring Tinder bio where she mentions how much she loves laughing and travel, in an attempt to set herself apart from all of the other women on the dating app. Hannah []

The post Local Girl Sets Self Apart On Tinder By Outlining How Much She Loves To Laugh And Travel appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:48

Dutton Allows Cameroonian Athletes To Stay After They All Land Jobs As Au Pairs In Ascot "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a shock turnaround, Minister Of Home Affairs Peter Dutton has signed off on the visas for up to a dozen of the West African countrys Commonwealth Games athletes who have not returned home, after it was made clear to him that they were all working as au pairs for friends of []

The post Dutton Allows Cameroonian Athletes To Stay After They All Land Jobs As Au Pairs In Ascot appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

02:00

Bartender Immediately Regrets Asking Farmer How Things Are Going "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT RSL bartender Merl Evers (45) had to stay late at work last night after asking local farmer Geoff Trainer (66) how things are going, a decision she immediately regretted after Trainer began giving a detailed and honest answer. Despite the fact Evers has become a much-loved staple of Betoota RSL, but []

The post Bartender Immediately Regrets Asking Farmer How Things Are Going appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

01:27

Over 20 High School Kids And Teachers Shot In Heartwarming Display Of American Freedoms "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The American township of Santa Fe has today been reminded of just how lucky they are to live in the greatest country in the world. During first period class at Santa Fe High School, there were reports of an active shooting. Students and faculty evacuated the building when a fire alarm was activated. []

The post Over 20 High School Kids And Teachers Shot In Heartwarming Display Of American Freedoms appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

Morrissey announces Smiths to reform for Harry and Meghans evening do "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Reports have emerged that Prince Harry personally asked the members of The Smiths if they would consider reforming for a one-off gig at his wedding reception. Guitarist Jonny Marr, bassist Andy Rourke and drummer Mike Joyce were happy to reform under the proviso that their fees would go to charities of their choosing.

Frontman Morrissey talking too BBC 6 Musics Mark Radcliffe said: Harry knew Ive had my issues with his Nan and her empire, but all that was pre-Brexit. I know shes read my interviews and agrees with my views, were very much singing from the same hymn sheet, without actually singing the hymns. Im going to the party early to do the bingo, though I had to draw the line at the meat raffle.

The Smiths, who havent shared a stage since their split in 1987 will perform a number of their popular hits, including: This Charming Man, William it was really nothing, Heaven knows Im miserable now and Girlfriend in a coma. Also, covers of popular wedding reception staples: Jimmy Mack, Come on Eileen, Cha cha slide, Oops upside your head, and finishing with New York, New York.

Palace insiders have hinted the flower-swinging Mancunians turnaround in attitude towards the monarchy is due to his desire to receive a knighthood, for services to music, common sense and handsomeness. Morrissey explained, The gaffer knows if she offered me a trinket, Id be too polite to refuse. To reciprocate, I would name my next album, The Queen is Dead Good.

It is understood, however, Morrisseys request to wear the State Crown whilst performing was emphatically declined.

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Friday, 18 May

21:00

NewsBiscuits Guide to avoiding the Royal Wedding "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As Royal Wedding mania grips the nation NewsBiscuit realaises that its something that doesnt grab everyones attention, so we have produced this handy guide of activites you may wish to indulge in to enable you to avoid the blanket TV coverage or actually having to turn up at the service on the day.

1. Be homeless

2. Be deported by Theresa May

3. Disconnect your mains electricity supply

4. Refuse to come out of Wookey Hole

5. Be Prince Harrys biological Dad

6. Wash your hair

7. Lick door handles in Salisbury

8. Join Joe Hart and Jack Wilshere on the England scrapheap

9. Change your name to Reg E Syde

10. Be the great grandson of Kaiser Bill

11. Join a Tibetan Monastery

12. Take you car on a journey that involves having to negotiate around Hangar land Gyratory System

13. Audition for X Factor

14. Choose Heroin

15. Volunteer for the first manned mission for Mars

16. Tell John Bolton he looks like a gay walrus

17. Laugh at Kim Jong-uns security guards

18. Live you life in 2018 rather than in a feudal system from the Middle Ages

19. Be Meghans dad

20. Try and make sense of any speech Donald Trump has made since becoming President of America

21. Go a day early on a business trip to the US

22. Have a hip operation even if you dont need one

Wrenfoe, Sinnick, DavidH, Not Amused, Sydalg, Chipchase, Midfield Diamond, Oxbridge, Al Opecia

16:06

What Your Outfit Says About Your Predetermined Role In My Ideal Society "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have.. That may be true, but in the isolated compound youll be living in, you ONLY dress for the job you have. Heres what your clothes say about you and your predetermined role in my ideal society.

Overalls, Flannel Work Shirt, Boots:
Congratulations! Youve been selected at birth to be a manual laborer. You are the physical machinery that keeps our small independent commune moving. Your tough, durable, and frankly unflattering clothing signal to others that youre a practical and resourceful worker. Think of yourself as the fleshy pistons in a giant engine. And the best thing about fleshy pistons? They dont think.

Tweed Sport Coat, Tasteful Slacks, Dress Shoes, Glasses:
You, my friend, are the intelligentsia. As the academic elite of our society, youre responsible for the tasteful and respectful dissemination of information. The world is a big scary place, and your job is to tell our followers exactly what they need to know in order to remain productive and complacent. Your glasses, assigned to you at birth whether you need them or not, project grace and intelligence, and make others think, Wow, hes been allowed to read.

Related: OK OK but Here Are 5 Things the Society in the Handmaids Tale Got Right

Black Reinforced Pants, Black Reinforced Shirt, White Mask Of The Watching Eye:
The Watching Eye watches us all, but all eyes will be on you when youre out on the town in this striking ensemble. Especially because youre the police/military arm of the Society Of The Great One. This outfit commands respect from all walks of life as it carries with it the implicit threat of physical violence. This outfit is best accessorized with a heavy rifle, though if one really wants to make a statement, one would carry an ornate truncheon. Either way, this look is bound to turn black-bagged heads.

Lingerie, Ceremonial Gown Of The Sacred Fruit:
All children are considered eligible for breeding purposes when they turn 18, and those fortunate enough to be vetted and selected will don some of the most meaningful garments in our society. The Sacred Fruit represents a fertile and life giving Mother Crescent, the holy bond of seed and soil. Light in fabric and loose fitting, these garments are designed to be quickly removed for the purposes of the Dance Of The Binding Tree. Though not best suited for cold weather, Breeders are often not seen outside, as they are not allowed.

Robes Of The Great One:
I am the great one, and only I get to wear the robes.

The post...

16:00

East Coast Main Line to be run by OJays "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After months of speculation the government has finally taken control of the struggling East Coast Main Line, to hand over to the OJays in 2020.

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling commented: Previous operators of the East Coast Main Line, Stagecoach and Virgin Trains, werent giving customers enough love and satisfaction. The OJays, with their flagship Love Train have consistently delivered customer well being, on time, for the past four decades.

The US R&B franchises message of diversity and inclusivity, encouraging people all over the world to join hands and start a love train, a love train, is fundamentally synchronous with our core mission at the Department of Transport. Weve joined hands. It was a no-brainer.

Currently running internationally in Russia, China, Africa, Egypt and Israel, the OJays plan to scale-down the love trains operation in time to cover Edinburgh, Durham, York, Doncaster and Potters Bar.

15:57

GameFly Announces They Are Still Here "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

LOS ANGELES In a press conference outside the building they allegedly work out of, GameFly executives announced that they are, in fact, still operating as a business and selling their product.

Yep, we are still mailing out games to people in 2018. Next question, said CEO David Hodess to a reporter who wondered if she had accidentally time traveled and landed in the lamest past event in history.

Speaking to a smattering of reporters and confused locals enjoying a sunny day outside, Hodess continued answering questions from the various onlookers.

Read More From Hard DriveNintendo Commits to Fully Develop, Promote, and Cancel Three New EarthBound Titles

GameFly ended the press conference by also letting people know that their continued existence was a limited time offer and that people who inexplicably want this luddite-esque service should act right away to take advantage before the company takes its rightful place in the corporate grave it is destined for.  

The post GameFly Announces They Are Still Here appeared first on The Hard Times.

15:50

Woah, Chill: While I Appreciate Your Enthusiasm, Your Dear Leader Never Requested You Castrate Yourselves "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Oh Jiminy Christmas, I goofed up.

Fellas, this one is on me. Well, maybe its not really my fault. Kind of a miscommunique on your part, but I suppose as The Leader, Ill be the bigger person and say it: Im sorry if youre upset that you castrated yourselves.

But your Dear Leader never asked you to ice your balls numb, lob the boys off with a bandsaw, and cauterize the wounds. While I appreciate your misguided devotion, these kinda shenanigans aint my bag.

All I ever wanted was to obliterate your sense of self, severe all contact you had with friends and family, and control every aspect of your waking life. But this testicle business its plain icky.

Ill give you this it took some moxy to castrate yourselves. You spunky, rascally eunuchs! If youre not dead from sepsis in a couple days, I bet you chuckleheads will have a good chortle about this whole muck-up.

Related: I Think Circumcision Is Wrong Because it Doesnt Go Far Enough

Regardless, the pile of severed testicles in the bathroom has got to vamoose. If youd like to hang on to your balls as a keepsake, use a sharpie to mark them with your initials, otherwise theyre going in my moms garbage disposal.

I will say, despite the obvious negatives of this little mix up, I am just over the moon impressed with how quickly this cult has developed! Six months ago we were a knitting collective meeting at a strip mall Starbucks once a week. Look at how far weve come! I mean, you know, maybe just a tad TOO far with this little what have you, but still!

Is it too late to go back to knitting? Because now that Im staring at your vacant sacs, I just gotta say it Im not sure Im really feeling this whole cult leader thing.

Sure, the chicks and the money have been great, particularly the porking of all your wives atop stacks of your life savings and worldly possessions, but now that theres a metric butt ton of severed cult member nards in my moms downstairs bath, Ive soured.

Weve had our fun, but really I was yanking your chains about the eternal salvation in exchange for undying loyalty thing. Lets call it a day on this here cult. We gave it a good run, gang! You should all be proud.

Sorry about destroying you mentally. That part was def my goof. You all can go back to your families now.

And before you ask, the answer is yes, Im keeping all your stuff and money.

Hail Kryzlak or whatever the fuck weve been saying. Please leave my moms place before...

15:47

Let these 18 Captain America captions speed you into the weekend "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A late-breaking contender for meme of the week is based on a clip from Spider-Man: Homecoming in which Captain America has a message for students in detention.

People came up with their own messages and here are our 18 favourites.

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15:30

Bands #1 Supporter Just Closest Friend Without Musical Talent "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

PHILADELPHIA The biggest fan of local indie rock band Cash Only is reportedly Kevin Estrada, a close friend who doesnt have an ounce of musical talent, sources close to the group confirmed.

Theyve really put the work in to hone their sound, said Estrada from the bands practice space. You can hear a huge difference between where they are now, and where they were five years ago. And I should know I get to go to all of their practices and jam sessions.

Estrada, who attended high school with each of the bands members Val OConnor, Manny Florentine, Jeremy Rhodes, and Jon Park has reportedly been a close part of their friend group since.

Kevin posts about Cash Only on Facebook constantly, said Theresa Regan, another friend close to the band. And he always stands in the very front at their shows and dances like a madman. Itd be a problem if anyone else showed up to their gigs, but its usually just the band, Kevin, and some bar staff.

Related:

According to a lineup from September 2013, Estrada briefly held a role within the band, but was removed by December 2013.

Kevin was adamant he could be our tambourine player, said OConnor, the bands lead guitarist and vocalist. But he couldnt stay on beat, and the tambourine made it sound like we were playing with someone who dropped a box full of pennies down a flight of metal stairs.

The well-meaning band searched for jobs Estrada could do behind the scenes, but still came up short.

Kevin was our manager for a little while, but hes kind of bad at math, so that didnt really work either, said Park, the bands drummer. He only was able to book one show for us it was at his birthday party, and he cried during each song. It was a little off-putting, to say the least.

However, the members of Cash Only still appreciate Estradas efforts and enthusiasm.

Knowing that we have one guaranteed like and share whenever we post about a show or put out a new song is a really big deal, said OConnor. If there were fewer musically talented people out th...

15:12

The replies to this pro-leave economist are almost worth the price of Brexit "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Economist Andrew Lilico isnt at all impressed that people who dont want to leave the European Union arent doing more to help Britain, er, leave the European Union.

These 9 responses might not make Brexit any easier, but they certainly made our day better.

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13:30

24 right royal wedding tweets to help you get through the next 24 hours "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Its the royal wedding tomorrow! Or dont worry, only 24 more hours to go, depending on which way you look at it, of course.

Either way here are 24 tweets handpicked to help you pass the time until then.

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13:00

Home Office Considering Israeli-Style Border Control "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

An impressed Home Office is strongly considering implementing Israeli-Style border control that will essentially involve machine-gunning anyone without an up-to-date passport. It is hoped the new measures will discourage people smugglers, but it is also going to be used on stag party revellers returning from Magaluf and Marbella, especially if they have matching T-shirts with their nicknames on the back.

We thought the Israeli response at the Gaza border the other day was robust, and while it was a little bit murdery, there werent too much illegal immigration to Israel that day were there, said a Border Force official. So I think well roll it out at Dover and Stansted Airport for a trial. Frankly, if machine-gunning people to death doesnt stop all those illegal blokes getting into Blighty well, I dont know what will.

Home Secretary Sajid Javid sought to reassure cry-baby snowflakes concerned about the measures, that only really dodgy looking blokes would be machine-gunned. Its time we put the extremely mother-effing hostile back into hostile environment quite frankly, said the Minister.

11:56

This guy reviewed all 12 of these coffees he found in Lidl and its a truly Herculean task "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

A chap called Nate Crowley took on the unenviable task of reviewing all 12 of the sachets of instant coffee he found in Lidl.

Not only that, he did it with a Herculean twist.

And the good news is, it leaves a better taste in the mouth than some of the coffee he had to drink.

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11:35

25 of the best (or worst) royal wedding cash-ins "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Theres nothing quite like a royal wedding to trigger an epidemic of shameless cashing in. Here are 25 of the best, worst and most inventive.

Theres the food

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The clothing

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11:22

The White House did this with the Laurel/Yanny thing and everything is 1% less funny from now on "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

The White House jumped on the Laurel/Yanny bandwagon and you might want to watch it wearing goggles in case you claw your eyes out.

Dont say we didnt warn you.

There arent the words right now. Except these people tried

Source

The post The White House did this with the Laurel/Yanny thing and everything is 1% less funny from now on appeared first on The Poke.

11:07

You havent experienced life until youve seen Muppet outtakes "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Someone put these Muppet outtakes on Twitter and they are the most rewarding 2 minutes youll spend today.

And theres more

And if you were wondering what it was supposed to look like

Source

The post You havent experienced life until youve seen Muppet outtakes appeared first on The Poke.

11:00

Press decide to harass Chuka Umunna and family anyway "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

what's 'e got to 'ide, eh?The British media is to continue its unwarranted intrusion into the lives of Chuka Umunna and his friends and family even though the MP has withdrawn his bid to become Labour leader.

Chief Political Editor of the Daily Express, George Winters, confirmed on the papers website that they had decided to continue their aggressive scrutiny of Umunna and those close to him partly because the remaining candidates for Labour leader were so dull and partly due to the undeniable evidence that Umunnas girlfriend was quite fit.

Ex-leader Ed Miliband, who retired to Ibiza to open a kitchen design and stone carving business, has expressed sympathy with Umunna. Its not easy. The press will pick over every little detail. Whether its a family disagreement or tiny little things like forgetting to mention immigration and the deficit in your keynote speech at conference. Thats why I decided to get away from it all and come here and start a business, although Im the first to admit that I dont know anything about how business works, so fingers crossed, eh!

Meanwhile, sources close to Umunna have denied that hes withdrawn his candidacy to avoid possible revelations about his private life which may prove unpalatable to a section of the British electorate whose views are pandered to by many powerful right-wing newspapers. The denial follows rumours that the Daily Mail has uncovered evidence that Umunna may be black.

08:24

The reality of this hotel pool didnt quite live up to the brochure "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Weve all had that sinking feeling when you arrive at your hotel and it doesnt quite live up to the promise of the promotional material.

Except, well, we dont think weve ever sunk this low.

This was how the pool was advertised.

And this the dread reality.

From infinity pool to infinitely disappointing.

08:12

When Jimmy Greaves was ill so they used his Spitting Image puppet instead "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

For people of a certain age ITVs Saint & Greavsie was required viewing on Saturday lunchtime.

A simpler age of 4 TV channels before the Premier League existed.

Anyway, one time Jimmy Greaves was laid low with the flu so they did this instead and it was just perfect.

Nothing like nostalgia.

08:00

Ryan Reynolds and Josh Brolin insulting each other will make your day better "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Been hard to avoid these two of late its as if theyve got a movie out or something and this might be our favourite thing yet.

Its Radio 1s Playground Insults and the aim of the game is, well, you can probably work it out for yourself.

Beautiful.

And here they are on the Graham Norton Show. I know, we really like them.

The post Ryan Reynolds and Josh Brolin insulting each other will make your day better appeared first on The Poke.

07:38

Tesla Owner Admits He Misses The Dank Aroma Of Petrol While Filling The Car Up "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local tech start-up co-founder used to think he had everything in life until he bought a Tesla. Gone were the days Mark ORegan needed to steer his car down the Diamantina Developmental Road to Windorah he now has a car that does that laborious task for him. He told The Advocate []

The post Tesla Owner Admits He Misses The Dank Aroma Of Petrol While Filling The Car Up appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:56

Morrison Allocates $50M For Statue Recognising 52nd White Bloke To Discover Australia "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Federal Treasurer and prominent white Sydney man, Scott Morrison has announced will allocate $50 million of taxpayer money to recognising the unknown Englishman Captain Cook who stumbled across Botany Bay, Sydney, after 52 disinterest other colonial seafarers. The redevelopment of the Captain James Cook memorial will include a new visitors centre, cafe, exhibition space []

The post Morrison Allocates $50M For Statue Recognising 52nd White Bloke To Discover Australia appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

06:34

Man Nearly Struck By Lightning Whilst Having His Tea "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Early reports coming out of the Cambodian city of Battambang indicate that a storm of 'biblical proportions' has passed through the area, nearly killing one man who was having his tea. Moys Kenwood, 54, was enjoying his evening meal when a power c...

06:31

Japanese Commuters Riot As Train Leaves Early Again "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

There were troubled scenes in Japan this morning after a commuter train left a station early for the second time in six months. Last November, management on the Tsukuba Express line between Tokyo and the city of Tsukuba sincerely apologised when t...

06:29

James Hewitt To Walk Meghan Markle Down The Aisle "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Breaking news from Buckingham Palace today is that Captain James Hewitt will be walking Royal bride-to-be Meghan Markle down the aisle. The worlds media has reported that Ms Markles father, Thomas, will not be able to walk her down the aisle at the Royal wedding this weekend because of ill health.

Palace spokesperson, Sir Reginald Teasmade III, has announced that Captain Hewitt will fill the void left by Mr Markles absence.

Prince Harry and Ms Markle were desperate that at least one of their parents would be present at their wedding. With Mr Markle no longer able to fulfill the role, Prince Harrys natural father was more than happy to step into the breach and provide a parental presence for the happy day.

Prince Harry was chuffed with the addition of Captain Hewitt to the festivities. Ones wedding should be a family occasion so its smashing that at least one of our Dads can be there for us.

Prince Charles was unavailable for comment.

Stu Macpherson

www.twitter.com/ComedyStu

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter...

05:53

Recovering Gambling Addict Longs For Day He Can Watch Live Sport In Peace "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time when Dennis Pooley could watch live sport at home, but after losing his home through a gambling addiction, nowadays he simply cannot bring himself to do it. The 28-year-old told The Advocate that he had every reason to be happy in life he had a stable job at []

The post Recovering Gambling Addict Longs For Day He Can Watch Live Sport In Peace appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

04:53

27-Year-Old Country Footy Player Shows Up To Interleague Training In U16s Rep Guernsey "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT An ageing Jordan Blayne blew a group of grown men away last night after turning up to interleague training in his U16s representative guernsey. The physiotherapist from Bendigo turned up last night in the jersey that reminds him of a time when he had still had dreams, hopes and []

The post 27-Year-Old Country Footy Player Shows Up To Interleague Training In U16s Rep Guernsey appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:09

Triple J Launch Internal Investigation After Station Broadcast Country Song "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Heads are set to roll at the national broadcaster next week as Triple J launches an investigation this morning into allegations that somebody on staff played a country music track yesterday. (I Aint) As Good As I Once Was by US singer-songwriter Toby Keith was allegedly played at 7:34 []

The post Triple J Launch Internal Investigation After Station Broadcast Country Song appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

03:02

Fertility Rates Slide Further After Trump Nude Pic Leaked "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Tweet TowerA new study from Trump Universitys Center for Covering Up Public Affairs is showing a steep decline in fertility rates after the above nude image of the president surfaced on PinInstatweet. The inventor of the world wide web, Al Gore, said, The release of this picture onto my precious inter-web actually broke the main pixilator,

02:46

Meghan Markles Dad Accuses In-Laws Of Showboating With Such A Flash Wedding Venue "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The father of the soon-to-be newest member of the Royal family, Meghan Markle, has made headlines this week for his embarrassing staged paparazzi photos and pulling out of the royal wedding at the last minute after heart surgery. After a bumpy week for the LA family, that included the old man posing fake []

The post Meghan Markles Dad Accuses In-Laws Of Showboating With Such A Flash Wedding Venue appeared first on The Betoota Advocate.

00:55

England Announce Strong Squad of Hooligans for Russia 2018 "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

Englands national selectors have named an impressively appalling squad of fat, beer-guzzling, xenophobic and homicidally violent morons to head to Russia next month to take on the world. Its a good mix of youth and experience with younger hooligans expected to spearhead the attack while the older heads will park the bus and prop up the bar.

Its a strong squad but could have been stronger, if not for the fact many automatic first-choice selections for going to Russia, were also automatic first-choice selections by Her Majesty for going to jail. Many others were unavailable for selection due to severe injury, mainly GBH, and others were not selected due to being Manchester United fans.

Hooligan Captain Darren Basher Buxton said he was proud to be leading the team and was hopeful of being able to smash up the supporters of the smaller nations during pool play, before facing the bigger nations in the knock-out knock-out stages. I think the Russian lads will be favourites going in, on their home soil and all, and with back-up from the cops, but well be going there to do our best and hopefully give all the people back home something to really be ashamed of, said Mr Buxton.

Top contenders for the Russia 18 also include the Italian Ultras whose knife-work is the envy of many nations, as well as the Argentinians who are always strong. The Spanish will once again be bringing their beautiful-to-watch tikka-takka hooligan style, but its considered outdated now and generally ineffective against more brutal firms. The Scots would have been considered a good outside bet but failed to qualify due to their team failing to qualify.

And bookmaker Paddy Power agrees with Buxton having called the home crew as strong favourites to win, not least because they are led by President Putin.

Hat tip to Sir Lupus

 

 

00:29

Nation Of Horny Men Hoping Meghan Markle Has A Pippa Middleton In Family Tree "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

As many media outlets and Royal Watchers gear up in excitement for Prince Harrys marriage to Meghan Markle, they have been outshone by a larger and more vocal group of enthusiasts.

Its expected that as many as 80% of Englands 31 million men will be tuning in to the Royal Wedding for the sole hope of seeing a sexier branch of the Markle family tree hopeful of an attractive sister.

In 2011, Cate Middleton showed us the extension of her genetics, stated an Englishman who wanted to be known only as Hugh Gerection, were hoping that Megsie is planning on bringing something similarly tasty to the table.

Many cars from London to Leeds have been sighted sporting a My other car is a Markle bumper sticker in anticipation of a strong showing. As Saturdays nuptials edge ever closer, more sibling orientated merchandise has been seen around the nations capital.

Betting agencies have come to the party, with odds of $1.75 that any sibling will be an 8 out of 10 or higher. The official rating will be handed down by iconic horny Englishman, Russel Brand.

Prince Phillip, the only Royal who made himself available for comment, stated Oh yes, one can only hope she has the backside of a negro and the attitude of one of those Orientals!

GK Kidd

www.twitter.com/GKTweetsHard

You can follow The (un)Australian...

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22:54

Nashville Man Comes Up with Solid Life Plan "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

After decades of career confusion, soul-searching, and personal reflection, Nashville man Bart Biggs came up with a solid plan for his future, on which he's determined to follow through. Most people's trouble, explained Bart, is that they go th...

16:35

Area Man Doesnt Know What Bitcoin or Meek Mill is "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

In a wide-ranging interview at his sons lacrosse practice, an area man discussed things he has no idea about, like bitcoin. I have no idea what bitcoin is or why people talk about it, he said. Im a 50- year old man and its just something I d...

Wednesday, 16 May

19:28

PANTS DOWN! Big Food Was Behind Invention of Stretch Denim "IndyWatch Feed Satire"

If you're a blue-jeans-wearing kind of gal (or guy), then you're aware of the fashion revolution that is stretch denim but what you may not know is that the research and development of stretch denim was funded by Big Food (namely, Nestle, McDonald'...

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